The (blue) State of the Union address

Larry Elder

2/2/2006 12:05:00 AM - Larry Elder

My fellow Americans, I am evil.

I only care about rich people, and rich people only care about other rich people -- unless, of course, your name is Kennedy. In fact, it is misleading to say that I only care about the rich. I truly only care about Republican, white, Christian males who are rich.

I would say that I am truly the president of Halliburton, except I'm having the darndest time spelling the word "Halliburton." I'm corrupt, incompetent and racist. Oh, sure, in order to help deal with the problem of illegal aliens, I have offered a guest worker program, but "guest worker program" spelled backwards means "shoot to kill." Or at least I think it does.

The black Democratic congressman from New York, Charlie Rangel, nailed it when he called me "our Bull Connor." Donna Brazile, the black lady who ran the presidential campaign for Al Gore, also got it right. I am the titular head of the Republican Party, the party of the "white boys."

I stole the election in 2000. I conspired with the governor of Florida to steal votes. The governor of Florida just happens to be my brother. I stole the election in Ohio in 2004 by conspiring with my buddies at Diebold, who make the voting machines, which they rigged in my favor. When you think about it, those white boys at Diebold, well, they're my brothers, too.

Minister Louis Farrakhan of the Nation is Islam is right. I ordered the Army Corps of Engineers to blow up the levee in New Orleans in order to flood and kill black people. Oh, sure, we snagged a lot of whites -- that's why they came up with the term "collateral damage."

I'm pretty stupid. Martin Sheen, the man who played a real president on "West Wing," got it right -- I am a "moron." Aaron McGruder, who illustrates the comic strip "The Boondocks," also got it right when he called me "functionally illiterate." Maybe someday I'll wake up from this dream in which I make an SAT verbal score higher than Rhodes Scholar Bill Bradley, get better college grades than Al Gore, graduate from Yale, and get an MBA from Harvard.

I've been a lousy economic steward. I came into office with an economy headed towards recession, and shortly thereafter we endured the 9/11 terrorist attacks. We then invaded two countries, Iraq and Afghanistan. And, most recently, our economy endured hurricanes Katrina and Rita. Since I've been in office, our productivity growth has averaged over 3.5 percent per year, with inflation remaining low. Unemployment stands at 4.9 percent, 400,000 new jobs were created in the last two months, and homeownership is at an all-time high. But, I agree with nearly half of Americans who believe we are already in a recession. And I expect to go down in history -- as I should -- as presiding over the worst economy since Herbert Hoover.

I agree with Harry Belafonte and Cindy Sheehan that I am the world's greatest terrorist. I'd have to go some to emulate my idols -- Joe, Mao and Adolf -- but a fella's gotta start somewhere.

Sen. Ted Kennedy is right. I lied us into the war. Repeatedly. I intentionally sent men and women in harm's way, so that I could be a wartime president, because -- unlike Michael Dukakis -- I sure look spiffy in a flight suit. As Sen. John Kerry puts it, our military terrorizes Iraqi civilians. Meanwhile, I should tell you the real reasons for going into the war: to steer defense contracts to my buddies; to get the SOBs who tried to kill my daddy; to engage in torture; to find a justification to spy on American citizens who have no connection to terrorism whatsoever; and to send soldiers into the field with no body armor and no exit strategy.

How our military managed to topple two governments and free 55 million people just beats the dickens out of me. How Iraq and Afghanistan managed to hold free elections -- well, that's a head-scratcher. And how about that Oxford Research International poll showing almost 71 percent of Iraqis say their own life is "good"? Boy, I could use numbers like that. And even though I'm a warmonger, polls show support for terrorism is falling in the Arab world.

Yep, I not only lied, I got the British to lie. I also got the worldwide intelligence community -- the United Nations, the French, the Germans, the Egyptians, the Jordanians, and the Russians -- all to deceive the world by agreeing that Saddam possessed WMD. And who says I can't bring the world together?

I would recommend impeachment, but then you'd just get Cheney. I would go to my White House bedroom and kill myself, but then you'd just get Cheney. Oh, if only I hadn't been born. But then, as my daddy used to say, if a dog's butt were square, he'd poop bricks.

Thank you, and God bless.