Larry Elder

I've been a lousy economic steward. I came into office with an economy headed towards recession, and shortly thereafter we endured the 9/11 terrorist attacks. We then invaded two countries, Iraq and Afghanistan. And, most recently, our economy endured hurricanes Katrina and Rita. Since I've been in office, our productivity growth has averaged over 3.5 percent per year, with inflation remaining low. Unemployment stands at 4.9 percent, 400,000 new jobs were created in the last two months, and homeownership is at an all-time high. But, I agree with nearly half of Americans who believe we are already in a recession. And I expect to go down in history -- as I should -- as presiding over the worst economy since Herbert Hoover.

I agree with Harry Belafonte and Cindy Sheehan that I am the world's greatest terrorist. I'd have to go some to emulate my idols -- Joe, Mao and Adolf -- but a fella's gotta start somewhere.

Sen. Ted Kennedy is right. I lied us into the war. Repeatedly. I intentionally sent men and women in harm's way, so that I could be a wartime president, because -- unlike Michael Dukakis -- I sure look spiffy in a flight suit. As Sen. John Kerry puts it, our military terrorizes Iraqi civilians. Meanwhile, I should tell you the real reasons for going into the war: to steer defense contracts to my buddies; to get the SOBs who tried to kill my daddy; to engage in torture; to find a justification to spy on American citizens who have no connection to terrorism whatsoever; and to send soldiers into the field with no body armor and no exit strategy.

How our military managed to topple two governments and free 55 million people just beats the dickens out of me. How Iraq and Afghanistan managed to hold free elections -- well, that's a head-scratcher. And how about that Oxford Research International poll showing almost 71 percent of Iraqis say their own life is "good"? Boy, I could use numbers like that. And even though I'm a warmonger, polls show support for terrorism is falling in the Arab world.

Yep, I not only lied, I got the British to lie. I also got the worldwide intelligence community -- the United Nations, the French, the Germans, the Egyptians, the Jordanians, and the Russians -- all to deceive the world by agreeing that Saddam possessed WMD. And who says I can't bring the world together?

I would recommend impeachment, but then you'd just get Cheney. I would go to my White House bedroom and kill myself, but then you'd just get Cheney. Oh, if only I hadn't been born. But then, as my daddy used to say, if a dog's butt were square, he'd poop bricks.

Thank you, and God bless.

Larry Elder

Larry Elder is a best-selling author and radio talk-show host. To find out more about Larry Elder, or become an "Elderado," visit