Larry Elder

My fellow Americans, I am evil.

I only care about rich people, and rich people only care about other rich people -- unless, of course, your name is Kennedy. In fact, it is misleading to say that I only care about the rich. I truly only care about Republican, white, Christian males who are rich.

I would say that I am truly the president of Halliburton, except I'm having the darndest time spelling the word "Halliburton." I'm corrupt, incompetent and racist. Oh, sure, in order to help deal with the problem of illegal aliens, I have offered a guest worker program, but "guest worker program" spelled backwards means "shoot to kill." Or at least I think it does.

The black Democratic congressman from New York, Charlie Rangel, nailed it when he called me "our Bull Connor." Donna Brazile, the black lady who ran the presidential campaign for Al Gore, also got it right. I am the titular head of the Republican Party, the party of the "white boys."

I stole the election in 2000. I conspired with the governor of Florida to steal votes. The governor of Florida just happens to be my brother. I stole the election in Ohio in 2004 by conspiring with my buddies at Diebold, who make the voting machines, which they rigged in my favor. When you think about it, those white boys at Diebold, well, they're my brothers, too.

Minister Louis Farrakhan of the Nation is Islam is right. I ordered the Army Corps of Engineers to blow up the levee in New Orleans in order to flood and kill black people. Oh, sure, we snagged a lot of whites -- that's why they came up with the term "collateral damage."

I'm pretty stupid. Martin Sheen, the man who played a real president on "West Wing," got it right -- I am a "moron." Aaron McGruder, who illustrates the comic strip "The Boondocks," also got it right when he called me "functionally illiterate." Maybe someday I'll wake up from this dream in which I make an SAT verbal score higher than Rhodes Scholar Bill Bradley, get better college grades than Al Gore, graduate from Yale, and get an MBA from Harvard.

Larry Elder

Larry Elder is a best-selling author and radio talk-show host. To find out more about Larry Elder, or become an "Elderado," visit