Larry Elder

 So smokers look bad, and -- as a class -- lead less happy lives. There is some support for Benz's claim. Recent studies find smokers 4.7 times more likely to suffer from major depression than the general population. Dozens of other surveys show cigarette users more likely to have anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, alcoholism and drug addiction. Smokers also demonstrate higher levels of neuroticism and high-risk behaviors, and demonstrate poorer impulse control than nonsmokers.

 Researchers at Michigan State University and Detroit's Henry Ford Health System found that daily smokers were 174 percent more likely than nonsmokers to seriously consider or attempt suicide. And a study of almost 7,000 Navy recruits entering active duty in 2001 found that smokers were five times more likely to have skipped classes in high school and more likely to have committed crimes than nonsmokers.

 Weyco Inc. and Investors Property Management may be onto something. If employers seek to control costs, improve morale, boost the company image and reduce workplace drama, why not refuse to hire ... Democrats?

 Democrats -- compared to Republicans -- on average are less affluent, more unhappy, more prone to anti-social behavior, more prone to self-destructive behavior, and more likely to have been shot at, robbed or burglarized. More of them see X-rated movies, more of them smoke, and they're less likely to be married and more likely to have separated or divorced.

 George Washington University professor Lee Sigelman looked at 22 years of survey data collected by University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center. Overall, he found Democrats less affluent, more distrustful, more sickly and more suicidal, and thus doomed to an earlier death. In short, Democrats as a class -- like smokers -- have, uh, issues. So let's just extend this hiring ban to cover unhappy, anti-social, self-destructive, unhealthy Democrats.

 And what about last year's "Primetime Live" sex survey? It found Republicans, more than Democrats, to be satisfied with their sex lives, more likely to wear something sexy to entice their partner and more likely to be in a committed relationship, in which they claim to be very satisfied. The survey also found that Republicans are less likely to cheat on their partner or to fake orgasms. No wonder Democrats are unhappy, unhealthy and anti-social.

 Poor smokers. Can't smoke in the office, can't smoke on the factory floor, can't smoke in a company car. You can't smoke in a restaurant. You can't go outside, down the street, down the ally or down the manhole. You gotta go three-and-a-half miles, you'll see a Denny's, make a right, if you come to an International House of Pancakes, you've gone too far.

 But take comfort. Things could be worse. You could be a smoker -- and a Democrat.


Larry Elder

Larry Elder is a best-selling author and radio talk-show host. To find out more about Larry Elder, or become an "Elderado," visit www.LarryElder.com.