Kurt  Schlichter

Nah. The hell with their rules. Wendy Davis sounds like a terrible person who will treat her constituents with the same disregard that she treated her kids and I’m glad there’s a conservative media out there to do the job the mainstream media only does on conservatives. Wendy Davis is the power-hungry, hypocritical, elitist face of modern liberalism.

There’s another rule we didn’t hear about until Chris Christie stopped haranguing conservatives long enough to explain why his administration thought it was cool to abuse the public for its own personal amusement. Apparently, we’re supposed to offer our credibility in support of Christie in his time of need. He’s a Republican you know, and the rules say that when a Republican moderate needs conservatives, we conservatives are duty bound to come running.

Vice versa? Not so much.

So we’ll get right on that.

Trusting in Christie not to stick us in the back by having some new revelation come out right after we stand up for him seems like a solid strategy. We can totally expect Christie to repay us with support and loyalty in the off chance that no Twitter direct message surfaces reading “Sure hope the toll lane closure I ordered doesn’t slow up the Dominos guy.”

Just ask President Romney about Christie’s loyalty.

The Establishment’s rules also require that we stop demanding that Republicans who claim to be conservative act like conservatives, support conservatism and, you know, be conservative. The rules are there because this short-sighted insistence by conservatives on conservatism is somehow certain to prevent the success of conservatism. We conservatives are just too unsophisticated to understand that true conservatism will only be achieved by a strategy of surrender, compromise and acquiescence to expanded government power.

Don’t fight amnesty! Don’t you know that by fighting amnesty you’ll ensure that people who will never, ever vote for us will never, ever vote for us? Of course, defeating amnesty also means they will never, ever vote for our opponents either, but that subtle insight doesn’t seem to get much play.

Don’t get upset that Republicans went along with slashing our active duty military retirees’ pensions! Don’t you know that the path to political success involves trashing the only subset of governmental employees that has both a moral claim on a decent pension and generally supports Republicans? The smart play for the GOP was picking on vets instead of any other beneficiaries of a government that pays money to losers for sitting on their ample bottoms watching Judge Judy all day, that hands out piles of cash to Democrat green energy fraudsters, and that funds bizarre performance art projects that combine flag desecration, hot fudge and sodomy.

The rule for conservatives is to sit down, shut up, and write checks – except at election time, when they need us to come out and man phone banks, walk precincts and vote, vote, vote for the smug jerks who will later huddle with their buddies in D.C. bars laughing at how dumb we rubes truly are.

The rules say we need to just sit and take it. But we need to tell the Establishment geniuses what they can take their rules and do, and they won’t be able to do it sitting down.

Kurt Schlichter

Kurt Schlichter (Twitter: @KurtSchlichter) was personally recruited to write conservative commentary by Andrew Breitbart. He is a successful Los Angeles trial lawyer, a veteran with a masters in Strategic Studies from the United States Army War College, and a former stand-up comic.