Kurt  Schlichter

Sure, Santa is a racist, hetero-normative imperialist who supports the dominant patriarchal power structure through his reinforcement of sexist stereotypes, but unlike the people who vote for Democrats, he has a job to do.

So, let’s help out Old St. Nick as he makes his list for some key players in politics and culture.

For Speaker John Boehner, let’s hope Santa brings him a brain. He seems to thinks it’s a great idea to shaft the GOP base on immigration. Don’t let the corporate K Street amnesty cheerleaders fool you, John. If you screw us over, you will split the GOP and lose the House. And you don’t even need a brain to see that.

For the wimpy Republican establishment, let’s hope Santa brings them a spine. Gumby is harder to bend – and would probably oppose amnesty too. They’re eager to surrender our one big success, the sequester, because it’s actually cut spending.

A spine might help them realize that their job is not to forge some sort of smiley-face, bipartisan compromise. Their job is to slash the budget as part of a comprehensive campaign to utterly destroy liberalism by gutting the mechanism that it uses to buy favors from its deadbeat loser constituencies.

Wait, scratch the brain and the spine. Santa, bring these guys a killer instinct, one that compels them to crush our progressive enemies, to see the progressives driven before them, and to hear the lamentations of sensitive, hipster males.

Speaking of squishes, for John McCain, how about a ball gag? As for Lindsey Graham, how about a primary opponent who can beat him? And a ball gag.

Politics being downstream from culture, as Andrew Breitbart famously put it, let’s not forget the icons of popular entertainment. How about bringing Miley Cyrus some dignity? If not, maybe just a recent photo of Britney Spears so she can see herself in 2023.

And don’t forget Lady Gaga – actually, we’ll handle forgetting Lady Gaga. She’s on minute 14 and the clock’s ticking.

For The Walking Dead, how about a character with some basic tactical competence? There are much better times to hug and discuss your feelings than when the man-eating zombies are coming.

For Justified, bring more Nick Searcy. For Homeland, bring some coherence.

For Game of Thrones, bring more dwarf, and take away that story line about the kid who fell out the window. Maybe have him attend a wedding. That always works out well.

Let’s not forget the media! For MSNBC, please bring it a viewer.

For Chris Matthews, how about stuffing his stocking with some pills to take care of that leg tingle? Or are stockings racist? Maybe put them under the tree, or are trees racist too? Gee, shopping for liberals must be hard.

Here’s the perfect gift for those wonky, leftist twenty-somethings who routinely weigh in on public policy from the perspective of their vast life experience: Some life experience.

Now, back to politics.

For President Obama, I hope Santa brings him the courage to stay the course on Obamacare. Don’t change a thing, Mr. President. People will soon see that it was really their fault for having believed your repeated, unequivocal promises. They’ll be thrilled to be tossed off those old policies they didn’t know were terrible and to lose their current doctors, all for the chance to try to sign up for Obamacare-compliant plans that give worse coverage at twice the price provided by doctors who practice out of vans down by the river.

For America, I would ask Santa to deliver a Republican Senate in 2014. I yearn to see corrupt hack Harry Reid sputtering in frustration as Majority Leader Mitch McConnell kicks him and his soon-to-be minority cronies right in the filibuster.

And yeah, McConnell’s going to win the primary and then he’s going to beat that liberal chick with three names, so we might as well accept it. A Tea Party upset in Kentucky may be near the top of our letters to Santa, but then so is a pony and we aren’t getting that either.

Now, people may be wondering what I would like for Christmas, and if they aren’t they should be. Well, the liberals infesting Twitter certainly think I’m on the “Naughty” list for my stubborn and shameless advocacy of personal responsibility, fiscal sanity and America.

Still, I’d welcome coal in my stocking. I strongly support the exploitation of the bountiful energy resources that God bestowed upon our beautiful nation. Plus, I like bald eagles and don’t think they should be cuisinarted by ugly windmills just so Democrat donors can get even richer off government subsidies.

I wish liberals would just once show some concern for our natural environment. But then, bald eagles are the symbol of a powerful, unapologetic America. No wonder the liberals hate them.

Now, if you really want to give a gift to someone deserving, how about sending a few bucks to the folks at Wounded Warrior Project? After all, those heroes have already given us much more.


Kurt Schlichter

Kurt Schlichter (Twitter: @KurtSchlichter) was personally recruited to write conservative commentary by Andrew Breitbart. He is a successful Los Angeles trial lawyer, a veteran with a masters in Strategic Studies from the United States Army War College, and a former stand-up comic.