Kurt  Schlichter

These atheist evangelicals aren’t satisfied not to believe. They think we need to not believe too. They seem to live under the bizarre misapprehension that if they are just rude enough to us believers, we’ll somehow unsee the light, put the scales back on our eyes and cast off our faith to embrace a life of spiritual emptiness.

To fill that vast void, militant atheists have taken to forming atheist churches, with sitting in pews, group singing long and sermons. Congratulations – you picked all the worst parts of religion.

What do their sermons cover? “Good morning. There is no God. See you next week?” Maybe they talk about the intolerable cruelty of having to experience people wishing them “Merry Christmas.” Or how their kid heard “Joy to the World” at school and started asking uncomfortable questions when he figured out that who has come wasn’t Santa.

Militant atheists are not all the same. The third most annoying kind likes to shout about how believers hate “science.” I sure hate science. And that’s not an iPhone in my pocket. It’s a magic talking-box that I power with prayers.

The ones shouting about “science” at us superstitious knuckle-draggers are inevitably the ones most breathlessly pushing the global warming scam. Just don’t point out that their claim that all weather phenomena support their climate change hypothesis makes it not really scientific at all. They’ll call you a “denier,” and in militant atheist-speak, “denier” means “heretic.”

Militant atheists are irony-free.

The second most annoying militant atheists are the ones who think they’ve mastered Christian dogma. They’ll quote some obscure passage from the Book of Habakkuk (2:15) and start quizzing you on how you can consider yourself a good Christian after you gave drink to your neighbor. Of course, I have an edge on them. I was raised a California Methodist, and we don’t actually have any dogma.

The most annoying ones file lawsuits. Somebody wants to say a prayer before a Friday night high school football game in East Tumbleweed, Texas, and you can be sure some litigious twerp will allege that he is being subjected to the worst religious oppression since the Christians played the lions in the Colosseum.

And what Christmas and Hanukkah season would be complete without some friendless killjoy suing because a town decided to stick a cross and a menorah out in front of city hall? The sight of so many happy, content people seems painful to them. But then, have you even met a happy, content militant atheist? If so, what was the name of his unicorn?

This is not to say that some holidays don’t deserve mockery. Take Kwanzaa, which is a religious holiday in the sense that progressivism is, itself, a pagan religion. Some communist professor/convicted felon named Maulana Ndabezitha Karenga (née Ronald McKinley Everett) invented it in 1966. He hung bits of Marxy foolishness off it like ornaments on a Christmas tree. My favorite is the principle of Ujama, or “cooperative economics.” Gee, how could a concept called “cooperative economics” possibly go wrong?

So, to all the believers and nonbelievers out there who live in harmony with their neighbors of all faiths or none, Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah! And to you militant atheists, have a socially just and redistributive Kwanzaa, comrades!

Kurt Schlichter

Kurt Schlichter (Twitter: @KurtSchlichter) was personally recruited to write conservative commentary by Andrew Breitbart. He is a successful Los Angeles trial lawyer, a veteran with a masters in Strategic Studies from the United States Army War College, and a former stand-up comic.