Kathleen Parker

Live From Des Moines! The recent controversy over whether Jesus and Satan are brothers has prompted Iowans to demand a new debate among Republican candidates.

Given the subject matter, organizers have invited an expert to moderate. Enid Strict, known to some as the Church Lady from "Saturday Night Live," has graciously agreed to get to the bottom of this confusing issue for the sake of the republic.

Church Lady: Hello, and thank you for giving me this opportunity to interrogate -- I mean interview -- these fine gentlemen, every one a sinner except for Mike Huckabee. Hi Mikey (makes kissy sounds).

Let's cut to the chase, shall we?

Mr. Huckabee, is there something you'd like to say about the heretic Mormon standing to your right?

Mike Huckabee: Well, you know I would never question another person's religion, especially Mormonism, because I don't know anything about that doctrine, even though I have a degree in theology and am a Baptist minister and was once a speaker at the Southern Baptist convention that, ironically, was held in Salt Lake City.

Look, I don't know if Mormons are heretics or not. The sister of the wife of a friend of my first cousin mentioned something about Mormons believing that Jesus and Satan are brothers, but what do I know? I hardly even glanced at that book they handed out at the convention, "Mormonism Unmasked."

Church Lady: Did you say SATAN?????

Huckabee: Only as something I heard. Again, I would never question another person's religion. I have a hard enough time explaining my own.

Alan Keyes: Well, I can explain it.

Church Lady: Nobody asked you.

Alan Keyes: Forty million fetuses later, and you're bickering over whether Satan and Jesus are related. At least they were alive!!! Unlike 40 million souls obliterated in the womb, denied their constitutional rights and abandoned by the heritage of the Republican Party as Rudy Giuliani would do!

Church Lady: Are you insane??? How did you get on this stage? Who are you?

Fred Thompson: If I may interject, I think what the country needs is leadership. Thank you.

Church Lady: Well, isn't that special? Before we move on to Mr. Giuliani's love muffin, let me get back to Mikey -- I mean, Mr. Huckabee -- who is, I think, on to something here. Just to clarify: If the heretic Mormon thinks that Jesus and Satan are brothers, what else might he believe, hmmmmmm?

Mitt Romney: Excuse me, Madame Church Lady, but if I could just make a brief comment.

Church Lady: I'm not talking to you. Mikey, you have 30 minutes.

Alan Keyes: Why does he get 30 minutes and I get 30 seconds?

Kathleen Parker

Kathleen Parker is a syndicated columnist with the Washington Post Writers Group.
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