Kathleen Parker

LINVILLE, N.C. -- Globalization seems like a nice idea -- if it didn't make people insane.

Although there are no such studies that I know of, a graph might show that Americans have been consuming increasing quantities of antidepressants in direct correlation to the growth of corporate call centers overseas.

Want your cable fixed in Appalachia? Hold one moment while we connect you to Bangalore.

Don't get me wrong. I love all peoples great and small, but I do not want to talk about my bad Internet connection with someone in Bombay named Kapil pretending to be Karen.

Anglicizing names is one of the tricks of the trade these days as more and more customer services are outsourced to other countries where call-center operators are grateful for $200 a month and an air-conditioned workspace. Invariably polite, and no doubt qualified, they are, nonetheless, not here.

Who are these people? And why do we have to talk to them? Where are Jane, Dick and Harry?

Every person reading this is familiar with the experience. Outsourcing isn't new. Gradually, and compliantly, we've become accustomed to talking to people in other countries about everything from our Web connection problems to our American Express payment.

Most people probably assume they're talking to a recent immigrant, only to realize that the person telling them that their charging privileges have been suspended is in Manila. Once this realization sets in, apparently, Americans can become unpleasant.

In India, a television sitcom -- ``The Call Center'' -- was created around calling centers and their rude Western customers. Note to world: We weren't always so rude. We weren't always on the verge. Corporate America has made us this way.

If we're not talking to India, we're conversing with chirpy robots. Interactive Voice Response (IVR) systems have become so ubiquitous that nearly all Americans have now chatted with that woman (you know the one) who makes friendly while she computes our vowels.

``I think you said, 'For you.' Is that right?'' Sure, lady, just for you. It's not that we don't like people in other countries or that accents aren't charming. The problem is that ``customer service'' is supposed to mean that the person on the other end of the line cares about you. Customer service is supposed to be user-friendly and helpful, not frustrating and enraging. Deep in our star-spangled hearts, we know that Arjun -- good fellow though he may be -- doesn't really care about us. It's a safe bet he may not even like us.

Kathleen Parker

Kathleen Parker is a syndicated columnist with the Washington Post Writers Group.
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