On the trail with John Wayne Kerry and the artist formerly known as George Bush

In a transparent attempt to attract liberal voters just days before the election, President George W. Bush made a conspicuous display of getting a facial and manicure between stump speeches late last week.

Looking nearly luminous following the facial, which included a lymphatic drainage massage and paraffin masque, Bush seemed relaxed despite a grueling schedule. A Bush spokesperson insisted that the president had not sought collagen lip-poofing injections despite urging by consultants from the sensitive-male makeover firm Big Bangs for Your Buck.

Then Monday, while opponent John Kerry was participating in Key West's annual Ernest Hemingway He-Man marlin-fishing tournament sponsored by the Pistol and Enema Club, Bush was spotted sipping sangria in a South Beach tapas bar.

Bush, a recovering alcoholic, dismissed curious onlookers demanding an explanation for his sudden interest in wine and launched into a surprisingly detailed soliloquy about the club's Art Deco design.

"This is just a FAB-ulous example of the cubic forms and zigzag designs that characterize the best of Art Deco. I adore the terra-cotta facing. But of course my affection for the style really is a reflection of my lifelong affair with Egyptology as well as my fascination with the Bauhaus School." Bush critics were quick to suggest that the president is a hypocrite and a phony for apparently concealing his artistic side all these years, preferring to shape a faux-cowboy image in an effort to stimulate his testosterone-rich retro base.

"I feel betrayed, as I'm sure every American does," said Kerry during an emergency visit to a local dermatologist for a serious sunburn - a side effect of overusing wrinkle treatments involving alpha hydroxy acid.

Despite this minor setback, Kerry was in high spirits thanks to his trophy marlin. As he hauled the flip-flopping fish onto the deck of his wife's boat, "Camelot," Kerry ignored his bloodied and blistered hands and beamed for photographers.

"I've earned Purple Hearts for less than this," he said, poking fun at himself in his characteristically self-effacing way. Reporters laughed appreciatively and, in a moment sure to catch the attention of the Bush campaign, joined in a brief group hug.

Kerry's tone turned suddenly somber as he segued into a fish tale from long ago.

"Of course this fishing expedition has been tons of fun," he began. Then, apparently remembering who he was supposed to be in that particular instant, he corrected himself: