8. Get your veggies shipped in from all over world by huge conglomerates at a great expense of energy, not from those callous local "organic" farmers who only care about making a buck. Greedy locals make me so angry.
9. Eat more red meat and wear more leather. Cows are an underutilized source of greenhouse gas emissions. More demand for beef and leather means more bovine planet warmers. Research has proven that people who eat meat and wear leather are cool. Plus, warm is the new cool.
10. Get rid of your hybrid and buy yourself a big, obnoxious Hummer. A frozen nation cries out for people to up their carbon footprints, and you can be Bigfoot. But don't dare sell the hybrid. Take it out back and set it on fire. You'll bring localized warming to your neighborhood while releasing greenhouse gases. Slap an "I Care" bumper sticker on the behemoth.
11. Support red energy and oppose nuclear power. The United States still gets most of its energy from such red sources as coal and natural gas, but wind and solar have emerged as viable red-energy alternatives as long as their needs for a complement source of base-load generation aren't filled by clean-burning, carbon-neutral nuclear generators. See that they aren't. Support red businesses, too.
12. Buy carbon-hoarding permits. If you just can't emit your fair share of greenhouse gases to stave off this bitter cold, then at least pay people to do the emitting for you. You can buy carbon-hoarding permits from Al Gore's new investing company, Convenient Turnabout Management. Why not claim some of the planetary benefits from Gore's SUV fleet, energy-inefficient mansion and constant jet-setting?
No doubt you're asking, But the Earth's climate is influenced by a complex array of variables, and we know so little about them, so how could these suggestions possibly do a darn bit of good?
The question really boils down to this: Seriously, can you and I actually influence global temperatures by making small but incredibly costly changes in our lives? Really?
The entire regulatory and confiscatory structure to save us from man-made climate change, whatever it may be this month, depends on this simple answer: "Yes, we can!"
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