John Ransom

Dateline: January, 2014- Hollywood and Washington are wowed when president Obama announces that his strong performance at the Mandela funeral has landed him a part in Wedding Crashers II, a non-stop comedy romp starring Obama, Will Ferrell and Jack Lew. In the sequel to the original, the three funny men crash the funerals of heads of state in order to pick up powerful Nordic women. Its release is scheduled just prior to the 2014 midterms.

The stock market finishes the month at 20,502 on the Dow on optimism that quantitative easing won’t end until late 2015.

Dateline: February, 2014- Obama firmly responds to higher insurance premiums caused by Obamacare with an executive order that postpones all illnesses until after the 2016 presidential election. As influenza strikes the Midwest, Obama accuses Republicans of “not cooperating with my executive order.” Obama then daftly pivots to the economy, but finds the economy is hiding from him. He doesn’t know where.

The stock market finishes the month at 10,398 on the Dow on worry that quantitative easing will end sooner than predicted in late 2015.

Dateline: March, 2014- The nation is surprised—but not really—when it’s revealed that Obama’s oratory style of using a period af.ter. al.most. ev.ery. sy.lla.ble. he speaks is causing some people to go into convulsions. As consequence, Obama calls for stricter gun laws, higher taxes on anyone making $250,000 or more and… free mammograms for men.Obama pivots daftly to the economy again. But once again the economy proves too wily for the executive-in-chief.

The stock market finishes the month at 22,765 after analysts predict that the economy is so bad that quantitative easing will last until the 2016 Miss America pageant.

John Ransom

John Ransom’s writings on politics and finance have appeared in the Los Angeles Business Journal, the Colorado Statesman, Pajamas Media and Registered Rep Magazine amongst others. Until 9/11, Ransom worked primarily in finance as an investment executive for NYSE member firm Raymond James and Associates, JW Charles and as a new business development executive at Mutual Service Corporation. He lives in San Diego. You can follow him on twitter @bamransom.