"Unfortunately, the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash, and there has been a hideous confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensive carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstances since we are at war with France, a fact which may have come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.

"This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government, so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both.

"1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London, or perchance

"2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

"Your most obedient servant, Wellington."

 

Enough said

Lloyd Grove, former gossip columnist of The Washington Post and New York Daily News, gets veteran New York congressman and House Ways and Means Committee Chairman Charles B. Rangel to open up about his perceived stormy relationship with Vice President Dick Cheney, which the Democrat said is nothing more than political posturing.

"If we sat next to each other, which we have, I don't think that we could think of anything unkind to say about each other — unless there was a reporter there," Mr. Rangel explained.

But the instigative Mr. Grove, in his interview posted on Conde Nast's portfolio.com, egged-on the congressman, recalling that Mr. Cheney "said you were losing it, and you said he was mean and nasty."

"The guy that runs around shooting friends with a gun," agreed Mr. Rangel. Then he added on second thought: "He has enough problems without me piling on."


Brave fan

"What can I offer you to keep it out of your column?"

Or so tried Terry Eastland, publisher of the Weekly Standard, reaching for his wallet after being spotted giving a standing ovation to the visiting Atlanta Braves baseball team at RFK Stadium. The Braves took two of three games played over the weekend against our Washington Nationals, spurred on by Mr. Eastland, sporting a well-worn Braves cap.