There's a problem in Florida's Panhandle. Some residents think their area's name leaves the impression that panhandling is the major local activity. So they want their area to be known as "Florida's Great Northwest."

Why not? Many accountants are unhappy with their name, too. They prefer "cognitors," even though this sounds like a herd at Jurassic Park. In football, some fans think a long and desperate last-second pass should not be called a "Hail Mary" play because of the religious reference. They think it should be called, well, a long and desperate last-second pass.

Yes, America effortlessly churns out euphemisms and upscale name changes. Here are some current ones:

  • Comparative ads: attack ads

  • Traffic-calming road insertions: speed bumps

  • In-depth interrogation: torture

  • Visual harassment: staring

  • Unacknowledged repetitions: plagiarism

  • Derivative passages: plagiarism

  • Inadvertently copying long sections of someone else's book and putting it in yours: plagiarism

  • Roster management: eliminating male athletes, adding females

  • Verbal abuse: criticism

  • Assaultive expression: criticism

  • Linguistic domestic violence: criticism of a wife

  • Abductees (in Sudan): slaves

  • Tribal chief: swarthy, non-English-speaking leader you admire

  • Warlord: swarthy, non-English-speaking leader you do not admire

  • Self-sacrifice bombers: suicide bombers

  • Targeting process error: looks like we killed a lot of civilians

  • Activist volunteering (feminese): helping to kidnap a child from a father who has custody

  • Tree-density reduction: chopping down every tree in sight

  • Isolated reflection interval: time-out

  • Mandatory discontinued attendance: suspension

  • Cultural genocide: correcting a pupil's nonstandard English

  • Multicultural issues editor: censor

  • Psychological violence: disapproval

  • Creating personal accounts: privatizing Social Security