John Kass

"It all adds up, according to Hibbing, to what he calls a 'negativity bias' on the right. Conservatives, Hibbing's research suggests, go through the world more attentive to negative, threatening and disgusting stimuli -- and then they adopt tough, defensive and aversive ideologies to match that perceived reality," Mother Jones reported.

And so, centuries of philosophical argument are wiped out by sociobiologists.

One group had to be dead wrong. And sadly, now I know which one, the group often informed by the Bible and the Constitution, texts that are considered increasingly irrelevant, if not downright unreasonable and bothersome, these days.

Conservatives, perhaps foolishly, are the glass-is-half-empty people, always worrying about the Russians and China and what will happen to the Republic when the money runs out. As if.

And conservatives are anxious about the craziest things. For example, conservatives worry about Americans who use loud and chirpy voices to insist that they "have nothing to hide" and really don't mind the National Security Agency snooping on every aspect of their lives.

Liberals focus on happy thoughts. One day it's ballerinas, another day it could be the prospect of Congress doubling the federal income tax, or President Barack Obama being sworn in for a fifth term.

For example, in 2002, scientists at the University of California, Berkeley (no bias there), studied the "psychology of conservatism." According to a university press release, they found "the core" of conservatism is a "resistance to change and a tolerance for inequality."

Does that mean conservatives are drooling racists? Or does it mean that they support the quaint American notion of meritocracy, which by definition leads to unequal outcomes?

Does it even matter anymore?

Berkeley researchers found that some of the more common psychological factors linked to conservatism included "fear and aggression; dogmatism and intolerance of ambiguity, uncertainty avoidance" and "terror management."

Sadly, the Berkeley study took place a few years before President Obama elevated the use of killer drones to an art form, or used "fear and aggression" in class wars to win elections, or before we knew that the NSA can read our very thoughts as we type them. But still.

What frosts me is that for years I've foolishly operated under the delusion that the big-government types -- both establishment Democrats (big social programs) and establishment Republicans (big war machine) -- were mentally challenged.

Boy, was I wrong. Sorry. My bad.

I also thought liberals were abby-normal because of the way many trumpeted diversity, as long as diversity involved skin pigments or genitalia, not thought.

But now I realize that I'm the one with the problem.

Scientists would never be so vulgar as to declare conservatives to be in the wrong. Right and wrong aren't scientific.

But by their contraptions and experiments, they've proven in their own unbiased minds that conservatives are overwhelmingly negative folks who can't help but focus on disgusting things.

We're like dangerous broken toys hiding under the bed. If we're not stopped, we just might crawl out from among the dust clumps and upset the sleeping children.

Happily, it's only a matter of a final corrective being administered in the name of scientific reason. In the old days they used a hammer and ice pick and called it a lobotomy. But I hope modern science provides a pill.

A happy, positive pill for happy, positive thoughts for happy, positive Americans.