The Top Ten Reasons Conservatism is Dead as Disco!

John Hawkins

4/21/2009 12:01:00 AM - John Hawkins

First of all, I know this column isn't going to be popular with all the mouth breathing, troglodytic, primitive dittoheads out there. But, facts are facts: conservatives are NEVER, EVER, EVER going to get back into power again.

The mainstream media says so, legendary conservative icons like David Frum, Meghan McCain, and David Brooks say so -- and, yes, Democrats in Congress who we should remember soundly beat us in November, say so.

So, I think it's time to point out what even completely unbiased political luminaries like Chuck Schumer and Keith Olbermann have been saying since Barack Obama was elected: conservatism is done, over with, as finished as warm days in the middle of December!

1) Sure, America's political history has been one long churning political cycle with both party's fortunes going up and down, but that's not going to happen this time! This time, the Republicans aren't going to learn anything from losing, conservatives aren't going to be inspired to take action by being out of power, and the Democrats aren't going to get even more complacent and corrupt as they enjoy the rewards of being in power. Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid are just too smart, too sharp, and too doggone perfect to allow that to happen!

2) Conservatives are fighting with each other too much to ever get organized again. That certainly never happened when liberals were out of power...well, except when the environmentalists fought with the unions over ANWR. Oh, then there was Joe Lieberman vs. the netroots. We also can't forget the gay lobby vs. black Democrats over gay marriage. Kos vs. New Republic, too. Plus, The Democratic Leadership Council vs. the Left. We also shouldn't forget about the Barack Obama vs. Hillary Clinton brawl and dozens and dozens of other minor fights, feuds, and brouhahas. But certainly, all those fights are nothing like the fights on the Right!

3) The biggest disadvantage Republicans have is all those darn Christian conservatives. As everybody knows, Christianity is passe in America. It's as old hat as conservatism and capitalism now. Don't bother to close the barn door, Mary, because Jesus and the donkey he's riding on are long gone and this is now post-Christian America. So, until Republicans smarten up and stop trying to represent the views of the 76% of Americans who still consider themselves Christian, they're just wasting their time!

4) As many people have pointed out, you can't win with conservative values in America any more. Republicans have just got to accept that and follow in the shoes of the Democrats -- who completely re-did their agenda by rolling out a plan that combines the long discredited elements of FDR's agenda that kept us mired in the Depression and the parts of Mussolini's agenda that served as an example to fascists worldwide. Republicans may as well abandon all hope if they think they can go toe-to-toe with that combination without completely abandoning everything they've stood for since Reagan was first elected and start over from scratch.

5) Notice how popular Barack Obama is today? He's on the cover of every magazine, the press loves him, and everybody at all the best Washington cocktail parties agree that it will be that way forever. Besides, Presidents never get less popular over time, do they? George Bush had a popularity in the thirties for his entire presidency -- didn't he? Wow, wonder how he ever got re-elected? How did that happen? My memory is a little foggy on that one.

6) The percentage of minorities in the American population is rising and as we all know, party affiliation is genetically programmed into people at birth. Certainly black Americans, who used to vote overwhelmingly for the Republican Party before they began voting overwhelmingly for the Democratic Party, can never vote for Republicans again. And Hispanics? Jews? They're ALWAYS going to vote Democratic in increasingly larger blocks, no matter how much their interests tilt towards the GOP!

7) Everybody knows that the GOP has practically been "wiped out" in much of the Northern United States. Why, they've lost seat after seat that they'll never win again! Granted, some people might think that when the political winds shift again, that moderate Republicans could run and win in many of those same districts -- just as the Democratic Party won in moderate Republican districts in 2006 and 2008, but every liberal I know agrees that just won't be possible for some very legitimate reason that isn't quite coming to mind right now!

8) The advantage that liberals have with the mainstream media is just insurmountable! They own the cable news (well, except for the one people watch, Fox), they own the newspapers (which seem to be rapidly going out of business) and they own the blogosphere (granted, the liberal blogs are all shrinking now while the conservative blogs seem to be getting bigger).

Anyway, as we all know, it's impossible to overcome the mainstream media given how much the public trusts them. That's why that crazypants actor Ron Reagan lost to Jimmy Carter, George H. W. Bush lost to Michael Dukakis, and George W. Bush lost twice to Al Gore AND John Kerry! Wait a second...oh, yeah. So, ah, how's that Fairness Doctrine coming along?

9) Certainly America's enemies wouldn't be so rude as to take advantage of Barack Obama. After Barack Obama decided to close Gitmo and started weakening our security, Al-Qaeda must be too grateful to attack. Iran wouldn't go ahead and build nukes on Obama's watch after he risked so much to reach out to them, right? Then there's Castro and Chavez -- they won't make Obama look like a fool at this point, after he risked so much to reach out to them. And Europe, well, they're not cooperating with Obama now, but they love the big guy! That has to pay off at some point. Doesn't it?

10) Barack Obama's policies, which consist primarily of expanding government and government spending faster than any politician in history, are sure to remain popular long-term -- well, as long as we never have to pay for anything -- right? Our good friends, like the Chinese, Russians, and Saudis, will be delighted to keep footing our bill forevermore without expecting us to pay it back. That's what friends do, right? If not, the rich would certainly never change their behavior in any way to avoid paying an ever-increasing percentage of their income in taxes -- would they?