Men have stronger sex urges than women, throughout their lives. Women’s libido quite often falls after giving birth. Mothers are understandably focused on the care of their child, and sex becomes a lower priority. Husbands can easily feel displaced.
Men and women alike would be better of if they faced gender differences, rather than trying to suppress or deny them. Men could make allowances for their wives’ reduced interest in sex, instead of taking it personally. Women could make an extra effort for their husbands. No one is well served by society’s continual claims that the normal condition of the human race is for men and women to be equal in all things at all times.
3. I was deeply moved by the sadness and desperation among my correspondents. In a few cases, one spouse was obviously mentally unstable. I can not in good conscience offer advice from a distance to people dealing with mental illness, domestic violence or substance abuse. But the vast majority of my correspondents reported nothing of that kind. They would like to improve their marriages, and in principle could do so, but they can’t figure out what to do. Again and again, I told people, "Don’t give up. Love is worth the effort."
Gender differences are opportunities to serve each other, not sources of potential exploitation. Men and women can each use their respective excellences to serve the marriage and each other.
Women have the gift of empathy: we can place ourselves in another person’s position and imagine how they feel. We can use that gift in the service of our marriages. Imagine how painful it must be for your husband to feel neglected, unloved and unwanted, if he is sleeping in the basement. Allow yourself to care about how he feels, and resolve to do something about it, even if you don’t know exactly what that will be. That is what love means: to love is to will and to do the good of the other.
And men, don’t give up on your wives. The male gift, as Harvey Mansfield says in Manliness, is to risk his life to save his life and the lives of others. You may have to risk your marriage in order to save your marriage. True manliness does not require bravado or boasting or bossing anybody around. Insist on keeping sex in your marriage. Insist, persistently, perhaps quietly, always respectfully, but insist.
And next week, I promise, I’m going to write about something tame, like the Coming Collapse of Western Civilization.