Here in California, the divorce culture is further along and more deeply entrenched than in most places. It isn’t unusual for children to grow up not only with divorced parents, but also with divorced grandparents. Holiday times can be particularly stressful for these families.
I am looking at an article entitled, “Forget the holiday fantasy; focus on flexibility.” The article gives step-families pointers on how to “package step-family gatherings with care.” But right at the beginning of the article, without comment, is the fact that parents have holiday schedules dictated by courts. Allow me to quote:
“Next Sunday, Sandy and Steve will spend their first Christmas together as a married couple... But something big will be missing: their children. Both their sons will spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with their other parent. At noon, as stipulated in a legal document, Steve will pick up 10-year-old Oskar. At 2 P.M. Also per a legal agreement, Sandy will get 5-year-old Ethan.”
Court-ordered, or at least court-regulated, visitation has become such a common feature of our social landscape that we don’t even notice it anymore. It is tucked into this article, in between tips on handling presents for step-mothers and managing multiple family traditions. When cooperation between parents breaks down, they implicitly or explicitly invite the state to become involved in the most intimate details of their lives.
The divorce culture appears in a different form for married couples with divorced parents. I am acquainted with young couples whose own parents are divorced. These young families are trying to keep their parents happy. And their own marriages are extremely important to them, precisely because of the trauma they experienced through their parents’ divorces. What are the holidays like for these families? Well, let’s just say they spend a lot of time in the car.