Humberto Fontova

“I respect the fact that he would die for his convictions. So a mirror of Che Guevara has a profound place in my house. I’m not the least ashamed to say that when I go to wash my hands I look at Che,” gloats Jesse Ventura.

"The jury saw the evidence,” gloats Jesse Ventura regarding his judicial victory over Chris Kyle’s widow. “And the jury found that I had been defamed….Chris Kyle did lie and Jesse Ventura told the truth. I am a victim here."

“Judicial evidence is an archaic bourgeois detail. We execute (and jail and torture and steal) based on revolutionary conviction.” (Jesse Ventura’s source of daily inspiration, Che Guevara, February 13, 1959.)

Maybe it’s a coincidence that Jesse Ventura draws daily inspiration from a regime that jailed and tortured the most women political prisoners of any regime in the Americas —indeed, that introduced this Stalinist horror to the Western Hemisphere?

The regime co-founded by Fidel Castro and Che Guevara jailed and tortured 35,150 Cuban women for political crimes. Some of these Cuban ladies suffered twice as long in Castro’s Gulag as Yelena Bonner suffered in the Soviet Gulag. But naturally, given mainstream media “coverage” (dictation from regime apparatchiks) of Castro’s Cuba, they remain utterly unknown to the world, though many live a short cab ride from most major media studios.

In fact, Castro and Che were well ahead of the Taliban. On Christmas Eve 1961 a young Cuban woman named Juana Diaz Figueroa spat in the face of the executioners who were binding and gagging her. They'd found her guilty of feeding and hiding "bandits" (Che Guevara’s term for Cuban rednecks who took up arms to fight his theft of their land to create Stalinist kolkhozes.) When the blast from that firing squad demolished her face and torso Juana was six months pregnant.

"The U.S. is the great enemy of mankind!" raved Ernesto Che Guevara in 1961. "Against those hyenas there is no option but extermination. We must keep our hatred against them [the U.S.] alive and fan it to paroxysms!...If the nuclear missiles had remained in Cuba we would have fired them against the heart of the U.S. including New York City."

Other than his competence at murdering bound, gagged and blindfolded men and boys and “talking the talk” with fire-breathing speeches as seen above, Che Guevara failed spectacularly at everything he attempted in his life. Surely here’s an odd choice of hero and daily inspiration for a “proud Navy Seal,” no?

Also, if “dying for your convictions” (by itself) is praiseworthy does Ventura also seek daily inspiration from Hitler, Himmler, Goering, Goebbels, hundreds of thousands of Waffen SS soldiers and officers, Japanese Kamikaze pilots--to say nothing of the terrorists who flew the planes into the Twin Towers and the hundreds of Islamic suicide bombers murdering American soldiers almost daily? Just trying to be logically consistent here.

But in fact Che Guevara did not “die for his convictions.” In fact he desperately tried to weasel out of this fate. This cowardly weaseling was after ordering his guerrilla charges to die for their convictions.

“No b*stard ever won a war by dying for his country!” George Patton famously quipped. “He won it by making the other poor dumb b*stard die for his country!”

Alas, commander Che Guevara--in grotesque and cowardly contrast to every commanding officer in every elite force of fighting men in modern human history (especially the Navy Seals!)--regarded his own men as “the poor dumb b*stards,” meant for slaughter.

Big, big difference Mr Harvard Visiting Fellow Jesse Ventura!

Famous “contrarian and skeptic” Jesse Ventura is notorious, in fact, for dutifully transcribing and regurgitating everything spoon fed to him by Castro’s KGB-trained intelligence operatives. Much of Ventura’s book on the JFK assassination, for instance, was lifted from a book by Fabian Escalante, a General in Castro’s secret police.

On the other hand, a mental defect diagnosed by my physician as “not believing Communist dictators, especially after living under them” led your humble servant here while researching his books, to dig-up and study the actual records of the men actually on the scene of Che Guevara’s capture in Bolivia, and to interview those who (unlike those who snickeringly indoctrinated the gaping Jesse Ventura in Cuba) today live in places where they need not fear Castro’s firing squads and torture chambers for the crime of telling the truth.

Jesse Ventura’s (and many others’) bodice-ripping fantasies regarding the gallant Che Guevara would quickly shrivel at learning the truth of their hero’s capture.

In fact on his second to last day alive, Che Guevara ordered his guerrilla charges to give no quarter, to fight to the last breath and to the last bullet. “Che drummed it into us,” recalls Cuban guerrilla Dariel Alarcon, who indeed fought to his last bullet in Bolivia, escaped back to Cuba, defected, and today lives in Paris. “Never surrender!” Che always stressed. “Never, never!” He drilled it into us almost every day of the guerrilla campaign. “A Cuban revolutionary cannot surrender!” Che thundered. “Save your last bullet for yourself!”

With his men doing exactly that, Che snuck away from the firefight, crawled towards the Bolivian soldiers doing the firing—then as soon as his he spotted two of them at a distance, stood and yelled: "Don't Shoot! I'm Che! I'm worth more to you alive than dead!"

Learning of Che’s whimpering capture with fully- loaded weapons after his sissified escape from the firefight started Alarcon’s long road to total disillusionment with Castroism

His captor’s official Bolivian army records that they took from Ernesto “Che” Guevara: a fully-loaded PPK 9mm pistol. But it was only after his (obviously voluntary) capture that Che segued into full Eddie-Hasquell-Greeting-June-Cleaver-Mode. "What's your name, young man?!" Che quickly asked one of his young Bolivian captors. "Why what a lovely name for a Bolivian soldier!"

"So what will they do with me?" Che, obviously desperate to ingratiate himself, asked Bolivian Captain Gary Prado. "I don't suppose you will kill me. I'm surely more valuable alive....And you Captain Prado!" Che commended his captor. "You are a very special person! ...I have been talking to some of your men. They think very highly of you, captain!..Now, could you please find out what they plan to do with me?"

From that stage on, Che Guevara’s fully-documented Eddie Haskell-isms only get more uproarious (or nauseating.) But somehow none of these found their way into the account Jesse Ventura swallowed in Cuba while rubbing his tummy.

Humberto Fontova

Humberto Fontova holds an M.A. in Latin American Studies from Tulane University and is the author of four books including his latest, The Longest Romance; The Mainstream Media and Fidel Castro. For more information and for video clips of his Television and college speaking appearances please visit