"This is Bill Mathews reporting from Thibodaux, Louisiana. President Obama declared a state of emergency in the Bayou State where PETA was staging a demonstration on opening day of the duck season in the state notorious for having the most and most fanatical duck hunters in the nation. PETA's activists followed some of these hunters into the local wetlands and employed bullhorns to broadcast the teachings of Mahatma Gandhi.
"This serves to enlighten the hunters in the ways of vegetarianism and non-violence," explained PETA spokesperson Paul McCartney, "and to frighten off, and thus save, the hapless and otherwise deluded ducks."
With his right eye swollen shut and 21 stitches in his mouth, the ex-Beatle's appearance horrified his fans in the press.
"These blokes certainly take hunting seriously," Paul sputtered painfully into a spittle-flecked microphone held by a snuffling Joy Behar. "Nothing like this happened in Maryland or California. Remember, friends, All You Need Is Love!"
"We came in the spirit of Gandhi!" blubbered PETA board member Bill Maher, who nursed a grapefruit-sized ear and several facial welts. "And were met by that of George Patton!" Mr. Maher then collapsed in sobs into the arms of his friend Alec Baldwin, who tottered at his side on crutches.
"Get up – UP!" Ellen DeGeneres and chum Rachel Maddow yelled while yanking Maher up by the collar and seizing Alec roughly by the shoulders. "You're lucky we ran those yahoos off! They'd a killed ya--ya wussies!”
"Meanwhile, at a local tavern, PETA activists Joaquin Phoenix and Woody Harrelson attempted to disrupt a cockfight (this barbarity remains legal in this peculiar state of Louisiana) by stepping into the ring itself.”The roosters immediately pounced on us!" stammered a still shaken Woody. "And I don't even eat chicken! And their owners incited them with bloodcurdling whoops and cheers!”
"Joaquin and Woody’s flailing arms and wild screams were scant protection against the birds' sharp spurs and vicious beaks. Observers report that rather than attempting to help the frantic and terrified victims, the few beer-crazed spectators who hadn't collapsed in hysterics quickly set several more roosters on the hapless celebrities, whose screams "sounded like Lady Gaga sitting on a sea urchin," according to one howling and badly convulsed bar patron...."
I awoke to the trumpeting blast (not whistle) of Robbie’s Duck call. “Here they come, Dad!” He whispered while elbowing me. Indeed! A trio of mallards, wings cupped…starting to hover—NOW!
Humberto Fontova holds an M.A. in Latin American Studies from Tulane University and is the author of four books including his latest, The Longest Romance; The Mainstream Media and Fidel Castro. For more information and for video clips of his Television and college speaking appearances please visit www.hfontova.com.