Humberto Fontova

A North Korean ship trying to sneak missiles through the Panama Canal after leaving Havana was seized by Panamanian authorities this week. Somebody tipped off the Panamanians that the vessel was carrying illegal drugs.

Instead, while searching under sacks of Cuban sugar, the Panamanians found the ship crammed with missiles and mucho military contraband. (Nuke-rattling North Korea has been under a UN arms embargo since 2006.)

Upon getting caught red-handed, the ship’s North Korean captain and crew went berserk. The hysterical captain was crippled by a heart-attack, then tried committing suicide by slitting his throat. The crew ran amok sabotaging the ships unloading cranes and battling with the Panamanian police in the best Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan and Seven Samurai manner.

No fatalities were reported, and the crazed Koreans were eventually subdued, arrested and incarcerated inside an old U.S. naval base.

Proud Panamanian President Ricardo Martinelli announced the spectacular bust louder than Jennifer Lopez, whereupon Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R-FL) issued a press release faster than Speedy Gonzalez.

"Cuba (and the U.S. State Department) got some ‘splainin to do!" implied the Ricky Ricardo-like statement from Cuban-American Ileana Ros-Lehtinen. “This incident should serve as a wakeup call to the (Obama) Administration, which over the past few months has been leading an apparent effort to normalize relations with Cuba, that it cannot continue to engage the Castro regime,” read the statement by the former Chairwoman of the House Committee on Foreign Relations. “This revelation confirms once again that Pyongyang must be re-designated on the State Sponsor of Terrorism list as it continues to cooperate with the Cuban regime, a designated State Sponsor of Terrorism country, in order to undermine U.S. interests.”

At first Raul “El Guapo” Castro tried threatening the Panamanians behind the scenes with stern diplomatic notes. Then last Saturday, in the manner of Don “Da Godfather” Corleone sending Tom “Consigliere” Hagen to Hollywood for a chat with director Jack Woltz, Castro sent his “Vice Foreign Minister” (court eunuch) Rogelio Sierra Díaz to Panama for a “chat” with President Martinelli, whose response was identical to Woltz. So Castro’s court eunuch scurried home with his tail behind his legs.

Humberto Fontova

Humberto Fontova holds an M.A. in Latin American Studies from Tulane University and is the author of four books including his latest, The Longest Romance; The Mainstream Media and Fidel Castro. For more information and for video clips of his Television and college speaking appearances please visit