"These blokes certainly take hunting seriously," Paul sputtered painfully into a spittle-flecked microphone held by a snuffling Soledad O’Brien."Nothing like this happened in New Jersey. Remember, friends, All You Need is Love!"
"We came in the spirit of Gandhi!" blubbered PETA board member Bill Maher, who nursed a grapefruit-sized ear and several facial welts, "and were met by that of George Patton!" Mr. Maher then collapsed in sobs into the arms of his friend Alec Baldwin, who tottered at his side on crutches.
"Get up - up!" Rachel Maddow and chum Ellen DeGeneres yelled while yanking Maher up by the collar and seizing Alec roughly by the shoulders. "You're lucky we ran those yahoos off!” they snorted at the badly shaken celebrities. “They'd a killed ya -- ya wussies!"
"Meanwhile, at a local tavern, PETA activists Elton John and Brad Pitt attempted to disrupt a cockfight (this barbarity remains legal in this peculiar state of Louisiana) by stepping into the ring itself. "The roosters immediately pounced on us!" stammered a still shaken Elton. "And I don't even eat chicken! And their owners incited them with bloodcurdling whoops and cheers!"
"Elton and Brad’s flailing arms and wild screams were scant protection against the birds' sharp spurs and vicious beaks. Observers report that rather than attempting to help the frantic and terrified victims, the few beer-crazed spectators who hadn't collapsed in hysterics quickly set several more roosters on the hapless celebrities, whose screams "sounded like Lady Gaga sitting on a sea urchin," according to one howling and badly convulsed bar patron" ...
Then I felt something tugging at my shirt ... huh? ... what?... I awoke. "Dad! Dad!" a wide-eyed Monica hissed, pointing toward the left at a patch of briars...Then I saw the tail flick. GEEZUZ! A DEER!
Monica ducked and covered her ears. He was probably eighty yards away, but obscured by too much brush. The head came up and I saw small antlers. Great, he'll be good and tender. I was breathing in gasps. He took another step and his shoulder cleared the tree. BLAM!
"Yaaay!" squealed Monica while high-fiving her still-shaking Dad. "Bambi Nachos tonight!"
Humberto Fontova holds an M.A. in Latin American Studies from Tulane University and is the author of four books including his latest, The Longest Romance; The Mainstream Media and Fidel Castro. For more information and for video clips of his Television and college speaking appearances please visit www.hfontova.com.