Frank J. Fleming

Not only did you completely fail at turning Obama's stimulus into jobs, but in 2010 you elected a bunch of Republicans, destroying Obama's large majorities in the House and Senate. What kind of cruel joke is that? That's like surrounding a magnificent unicorn with wretched trolls. How in the world is Obama supposed to do anything when he has to actually work with people who might disagree with him? And whose ridiculous idea was it to make a genius such as Obama first get his plan approved by some other branch of government? People say it's in the Constitution, which I can't verify for certain, as I've never read it (I don't read white supremacist propaganda), but who cares what some thousand-year-old document says when we have such a brilliant man trying to transform our country? The fact that the Constitution would ever get in Obama's way proves that it needs to be chucked, but you all cling to the Constitution like it’s a security blanket, because you really are just a bunch of dumb babies.

This reminds me of the whole contraception controversy. Right now, 30-year-old law students are forced to go to Walgreens and buy their own birth control like common consumers, and Obama just wanted to fix that by forcing Catholic bishops to buy it for them. But then he was plagued by this "freedom of religion" objection. Really? We have iPhones now. Why do we, in this modern age, even still have religion? And when you have a real person, Obama, offering to give you everything you could ever need, why do you still need this God character, anyway?

These past four years have just proven there is no reasoning with you hillbillies. Obama has given speech after speech after speech explaining things to you, but you never get it. Obama is a fragile flower you oafs keep trampling beneath your feet. You just babble things at him like, "You cain't make peepul buy health inshuranse! It's unconstitooshunal!" And then you whine about the national debt, when it’s none of your concern anyway -- that's the government's business. What is it with you people questioning and ruining everything Obama is trying to do?

And now, in the greatest indignity you've thus far subjected the patient Obama to, you're actually pretending you might elect this Mitt Romney goofball in his place? Really? You propose that you'll actually go to the election booth, jam your sausage fingers at a Diebold machine, and select someone besides the greatest president you've ever seen? What farce is this? If there were any justice in the world, Obama would vote whether to keep all of you Americans as his populace. And considering what a failure you've been these past four years, you’d want to go ahead and pack your bags, as Obama would instead elect better citizens to lead -- ones who wouldn't question him and would assume the appropriate position by extending their hands to him, ready to receive all that he would give them.

Sadly, that's not an option. So let's just quickly reelect Obama, give him back Democrat majorities in Congress who won't fight with him, and beg his forgiveness. And maybe -- just maybe -- he'll stop screaming in terror at your ugly pig faces.

Frank J. Fleming

Political satirist Frank J. Fleming is the author of the HarperCollins e-books "How to Fix Everything in America Forever: The Plan to Keep America Awesome" and “Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything”. He also writes columns for the New York Post and PJ Media and posts at his blog He is the U.S.'s leading proponent of nuking the moon.