Frank J. Fleming

Dentistry. Obama has already revolutionized health care by forcing everyone to buy health insurance. Now he's going to apply that standard to dentistry and make it mandatory to get regular checkups. Some people are afraid of the dentist, but they'll probably be even more afraid of the guy with the gun Obama will place in every dentist's office to make sure everyone takes care of their teeth. Who cares enough about your teeth to put a gun to your head? Certainly not the Republicans.

Do something about spending. Some people don't like the government spending so much money. Obama has trouble understanding that, because spending money is how you make the government do lots of awesome things for everyone. Still, since it is the concern of the common man, he has ordained it to be his concern. Thus, he's going to promise to do something about spending in his second term. He won't say exactly what, but we can be sure it will be brilliant.

For the record, spending more is something.

More green programs. So Solyndra didn't work out, but pursuing green tech means you're going to completely waste a half billion dollars here and there. But don't worry, it wasn't your money -- it was the government's. Still, Obama is undaunted by this one failure and will continue to fund new green programs like high-speed rail systems. Yes, the promise politicians made in the 19th century -- faster trains -- is finally here, thanks to Obama. But he doesn't plan to stop there. In his second term, he'll look to even more past technologies to give us a green future. For instance, a long time ago cars were powered by a renewable resource called "horses". Maybe Obama can pay someone a half billion dollars to make more advanced... those.

Stop childhood obesity. Michelle Obama has taken on the problem of childhood obesity as her pet cause, but her promotion of exercise and healthy eating hasn't been enough to make a dent in the problem. In Obama's second term, he vows to make fat kids illegal. As part of operation "Butterball", any children identified as tubby will immediately be arrested and removed from society before they can cause further harm to it. There will also be a hotline and website on which concerned citizens can alert authorities to sightings of fat children.

Fast and Furious expansion. Obama's Fast and Furious program, in which the ATF sold guns to Mexican drug cartels, has been a huge success -- or at least no drug cartels have complained. Thus Obama plans to expand the program to Canada to see if any drug cartels there could use a head start… or perhaps just better arm maple syrup smugglers and hockey ticket scalpers.

A more efficient Constitution. One of the strengths of the Constitution is how simple and short it is. Obama has plans to make it even shorter, stripping out all the mumbo jumbo no one pays attention to anymore and leaving only the Commerce Clause, since that by itself allows the government to do whatever it can possibly imagine.

Free unicorns. One thing everyone expected from the Obama presidency was free unicorns. Unfortunately, Obama wasn't able to deliver yet, but he plans to in his second term. Much like the jobs he's saved and created, though, they will be invisible. Still, expert economists will be able to confirm to you that they do exist.

Perpetual motion government.This is Obama's main idea to end unemployment forever. Envision a world where people have jobs rebuilding infrastructure so people can get to work at their jobs building more infrastructure. We're talking a world where there is no more of that volatile private sector, and everyone works within the safety of the government. And then people will pay taxes on their incomes from their government jobs which will fund their government jobs. Think of it as a leech sucking blood from its own tail to sustain itself -- government forever in a circle and never ending. Sure, it's impractical and probably won't work, but that hasn't stopped Obama from implementing his previous ideas.

So let's all get on the Obama 2012 train! If he doesn't feel like he has enough support, he may start promising more things.


Frank J. Fleming

Political satirist Frank J. Fleming is the author of the HarperCollins e-books "How to Fix Everything in America Forever: The Plan to Keep America Awesome" and “Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything”. He also writes columns for the New York Post and PJ Media and posts at his blog IMAO.us. He is the U.S.'s leading proponent of nuking the moon.