WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Our war against terror is in trouble now. Lawyers from some of our most prestigious law firms are trundling down to Guantanamo Bay to represent detainees. If any group in America can bring a project to foozle it would be a group of American lawyers intent on humanitarian service. It is only a matter of time before a new Ramsey Clark Jr. emerges to fill American courts with bogus legal charges to stoke international anti-Americanism. Then accomplished poseurs such as the Clintons and Jean-Francois Kerry can chirp about how the whole world is increasingly hostile to us. They will, of course, urge the Bush Administration to heed the concerns of "the world community."
Frankly I would like to be on hand when these sleek American lawyers arrive in Gitmo, particularly if they include members of the fair sex. The detainees are all very pious Islamicists. Surely these enlightened lady lawyers will have the decency to wear the requisite abaya, the national dress of Saudi Arabia that covers Saudi cuties in one heap of cloth from head to toe. If such garments are not available in New York or Washington, perhaps purchasing a small tent from L.L Bean will do. Surely our lady lawyers will not be so disrespectful as to wear perfume or, for that matter, even deodorant, which among the devout detainees is sure to be considered sacrilegious. Also I suspect the ladies will know enough to walk several paces behind their men folk. Islamic sensibilities must be observed -- and, incidentally, this custom is one for which I have some sympathy.
I am told that the lawyers might have difficulty gaining the trust of the aggrieved detainees at Gitmo. They are a touchy bunch. The very thought of Westerners provokes them to blow up themselves and anyone nearby. Yet they have these complaints about our soldiers treating them discourteously and in contravention of Geneva protocols on the humane treatment of prisoners. Well, send in a few lady lawyers with promises of legal assistance and the possibility of being sprung from this Gitmo calaboose and allowed to fly off to their Middle Eastern paradises. Do you remember the reports in the Weekly Standard of some of the detainees' response to the presence of female American soldiers at Gitmo? The chaps exposed their male members and masturbated. In some instances, they would reach for their toothbrushes and perform unspeakable acts with the brushes on parts of their anatomy that would amaze our female soldiers. Well, an American lady lawyer on a humanitarian mission will know the proper response. She might read the Bill of Rights to her client. She might bill her office overtime.