Doug Giles

8. Don’t wish you were someone else. I wasted a lot of time during my early years always wanting to be someone else, and thank God those wishes didn’t come true. With the advent of Facebook I’ve seen how some of those clowns that I looked up to/wanted to be back in high school turned out. Holy crikey, they’re train wrecks. Also, a lot of the girls that I thought I couldn’t live without back in the day morphed into sea-cows. Thank God my prayers weren’t answered back then, eh?

Look, getting rebuffed by hot chicks is the standard for young dorks. It’s the way of the jungle, hoss. Get used to it and get busy bettering yourself and the planet and do us all a favor and shut the heck up.

Finally, please understand that a good dad trains his daughters to avoid lunks like Elliot. We do not teach our daughters to be rude, but we do teach our girls to cudgel off narcissistic crotch rockets and let them know, in no uncertain way, that they aren’t interested in your shallow life if you’re insistent on being a toad.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.