Doug Giles
Recommend this article

Independent sassy ladies, make way for Obama’s government dependent gal … Julia! For the double X chromosomes who’ve yet to meet Julia, she’s Obama’s dream girl: a needy chick who’s beholden to big government from her wee little diapers to her ginormous adult Depends. And I thought conservatives hated women?

Now, before I continue to bash Obama’s dreamland for the ladies, who in God’s name came up with the name “Julia”? That’s way too white of a name for We the Touchy. BHO’s gang should have just named her Cassandra Caucasian or Whitney Whiteywhite.

Julia Roberts, Julia Child, Julia Stiles, Julia Mancuso and Julia Gulia from the Wedding Singer—all white chicks. Hello. I cry foul. No, I cry racism! OccupyJulia! We should protest Obama’s damsel in distress campaign until they change the protagonist’s name.

Julia? Puh-lease. The name Julia should be banned like the term “illegal alien” because it represents uppity white capitalistic women. 99% of women aren’t named Julia, are they? Huh? Can’t you see, people? We are the 99%.

I’m not a woman, but I do like Sandra Bullock movies. She’s a hoot. But if I were a woman, I would not be thrilled but rather chilled by the step-n-fetch good dog future Obama foresees for my life. From this cartoon lady it appears as if our president has a low view of you girls being able to get on in life without big daddy gov helping you poor little lasses out. Hey, feminists, does this not piss you off?

Oh, and by the way: You think it’s miserable being married to a shiftless male toad? Just wait ‘til you say “I do” to the government for protection and provision. Ahahahaha! I promise you that’ll be more tedious than listening to Celine Dion speed yodel. Imagine being married to the Department of Motor Vehicles or the United States Post Office. Oh, and one more thing: Free candy ain’t free. You owe them.

Whatever happened to the Charlie’s Angels type of girls our culture used to uphold—independent, sharp, solid and smart women? I guess with Obama’s Julia we’re going to have to have Destiny’s Child regroup and reword their hit theme song to the 2000 Angels flick. Matter of fact, in honor of Julia we should change Destiny’s Child’s name to Dependency’s Child and the song from “Independent Woman” to “Dependent Woman.” Here are some of my lyrical suggestions:

“Dependent Woman”©

To be sung to the tune of the Destiny’s Child song, “Independent Woman.”

Question: Tell me what you think about me
I depend on the gov’ment for everything
Only ring your cell-y when I'm feelin’ need
When it's all over I will follow your lead
Question: Tell me how you feel about this
Don’t gimme what I want, you get dismissed
Pay for my fun, oh and I will vote for your bizness
Always 50/50 in relationships

The shoes on my feet
Obama bought ‘em.
The clothes I'm wearing
Obama bought ‘em
The Birkenstocks I'm rockin'
'Cause I depend on thee
If I wanted the watch you're wearin'
Obama’ll get it
The house I live in
Obama bought it
The car I'm driving
Obama bought it
I depend on thee
(I depend on thee)

All the women gov’ment dependent
Throw your bills up at me
All the honeys who needin’ money
Throw your votes up at me
All the mommas who want tax dollas
Throw your hands up at me
All the ladies who want free candies
Throw your hands up at me

Girl I didn't know you could stoop like that
Obama, how your Angels get down like that
Girl I didn't know you could bend like that
Obama, how your Angels get down like that

Dependency's Child
Wassup?
You in the house?
Sure 'nuff
We'll break this nation down Obama style

Child of mediocrity
Dependent Julias
No one else will care for you
Obama's Angels

Girl I didn't know you could stoop like that
Obama, how your Angels get down like that
(repeat until women in audience believe it, then fade)

With that, my creative juices are spent. I will say one last thing: Obama’s Julia is a far cry from what Helen Reddy sang about in 1971. Somehow feminists have gone from independent bra burners to wearing government-funded bras. And girls, if you think that the bra the government is gonna buy you looks like the one Adriana Lima is wearing on page 22 of the Victoria’s Secret Spring Fashion 2012 catalog, VOL. 4 you’d better think again, sister. No, the bra that the bureaucrats will provide will be more like the scary one your grandmother wears. And with that I’m done.

Vorwärts Vixens!

Recommend this article

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at ClashDaily.com and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter. And check out his best-seller, Raising Righteous and Rowdy Girls.