Doug Giles

3. Have Mitt join Ted Nugent and me for a massive skeet shoot where we switch the clay pigeons with Celine Dion CDs and have Hooters girls work the skeet towers. At the end of the shoot Mitt, Ted and I could blow up a huge Ahmadinejad mannequin with Barrett .50cals while AC/DC plays “Thunderstruck” to the 20,000 patriots in attendance.

4. Have Mitt openly take two Patrón tequila shots before each presidential debate. In addition, he should wear gold over-sized Ray-Ban Clubmasters during the contest while chewing on a cigar and belly laughing like the Joker every time Obama lies.

My thoughts behind this strategy for Mitt getting hip is that if he rivals Barack in the cool quotient then the deciding factor come November for this spry voting block might be Obama’s abysmal economic record and how he has woefully failed to deliver what he sold college kids on three-and-a-half years ago.

Yep, it might start to dawn on them that, sure, Obama is cool, he can sing a mean Al Green, and it’d be awesome to have a beer with him … but unfortunately, they can’t because:

• They’re broke.
• There are no jobs.
• They can’t drive to the pub because gas is so expensive.
• They are living in mommy’s basement.
• And their lives suck worse than Rosie O’Donnell extracting the jam out of a jelly doughnut.

This realization, in turn, might turn them off from putting the premium on cool and convince them to start examining which candidate has a better record, betwixt the twain, to stabilize our economy, stop the massive bleeding, and create jobs, wealth and opportunity. At the end of the day, a prosperous America is truly cool, and being a broke-ass college scrub, well … that sucks.

Speaking of cool, watch my latest video about Justin Bieber’s haircut here.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.