Doug Giles

1. They’ll catch STDs aplenty: As you can imagine, buying into this sexed-up culture of raunch has caused an insane increase in STDs amongst our nation’s teens. Yep, Mr. & Miss Shore, the reality is that every 24 hours 21,000 teens and tweens are slapped, saddled, infused and infected with some creepy, nasty and potentially deadly bug brought about by following the advice of, well, Snooki. And I’m sure, given your penchants, that all you crotch rockets are in the front of the line to get infected. Woohoo!

2. Rehab: Once the Snooki patrol turns 30 and they’re bloated and look 50, their noses are pickled, their livers have shut down several times, they’ve gotten several DUIs under their belts, and their genitals have more warts than a 12-lb. Chernobyl speckled toad, then these numb nuts will finally enter rehab (on TV of course, and we’ll have to hear them moan to Dr. Drew about how rough they’ve had it destroying your child’s life on their moronic TV show).

3. Suicide: This kind of destructive lifestyle, while looking fun at first (and for Snooki and JWoww very lucrative) historically speaking, rarely, if ever, ends well.

4. They get “converted” and we’ll have to watch them on TBN: You just know that if they “repent” today they’ll be on TBN tomorrow because they already sport the gaudy hairstyles, tanned hides, and outrageous outfits that Paul and Jan parade on their network, and therefore we’ll be punished by hearing their take on Jesus Christ ad nauseam, ad infinitum. We’ll never get rid of them on television. Yep, just add Jesus to the Jersey Shore crowd, and TBN will snatch ‘em right up; they’re an easy slot (and a moneymaking machine for the Lord!). Glory.

Lastly, here’s a little advice for the Jersey Shore schleps to consider between bong hits and “whiskey sex” sessions: How about changing your mantra from GTL (Gym, Tan & Laundry) to GCH, namely, God, Country and Honor? Huh? Not sexy enough? You might not get paid as much or be as “cool” or get $32,000 to bray your asininity on campus via our taxpayers’ dime, but you will become part of our nation’s solution instead of part of its problem, and you sure as heck will help a lot of parents out with their kids by changing your stupid behavior. That said, if you don’t change your song and continue to plow on unimpeded in your dim-witted, self-destructive direction, you might meet an early DHG (i.e. Death, Hell and the Grave) like Anna Nicole Smith and many others.

So, is the exaltation of Snooki in our nation a sign that Satan’s being released from the abyss? Nah, I don’t think so. But it ain’t a good sign, folks, that someone this foul would get any accolades or cash from our culture.

Do something about it, dad, and get my latest book, Raising Righteous & Rowdy Girls. And fathers, don’t let your baby grow up to be Snooki:

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.