Doug Giles

For all the Ann Curry literalists out there, I do not “literally” mean that liberals had an actual cow after Palin told her conservative compadres to “reload” following their health care loss last week. It was a figure of speech. “Having a cow,” folks, simply means the Left overreacted to Sarah’s slang.

It’s called hyperbole, Slingblade … y’know, an extravagant statement or an exaggeration not intended to be taken literally. Did you morons not get that memo in junior high? Maybe you were out that day smoking the devil’s lettuce and watching the Young and the Restless.

My cow comment is clearly figurative because we all know Libs can’t have cows; it takes a cow to have a cow, duh. Which I guess means that Rosie O’Donnell could have a cow, Joy Behar could lay a mess of tsetse fly eggs, and Janeane Garofalo could spawn a ring-tailed lemur. Wouldn’t that be the bomb?

Oops, sorry. I forgot. I said bomb. Shame on me because I forgot that I can’t use any warfare terminology anymore in my prose since the thought police on the Left have put a moratorium on militaristic analogies (as such language will lead, according to “them,” to Tea Party terrorists).

It’s weird that Curry and her scrub bull buddies on the Left would make such a fuss over Palin’s clear and common use of a war term to rally the troops. Crap … there I go again with the martial verbiage. Forgive me Ann, for I have sinned.

Y’know, Miss Sarah, you would have saved all of us wordsmiths out here a lot of trouble if you would have just told your republican fellows to get back up on their horses after their loss. But then again I doubt the noun Nazis would have allowed the horse metaphor, seeing that according to these numb nuts riding horses represents animal cruelty.

This means, of course, that PETA would trot out Pam Anderson to do a commercial, wearing short shorts, petting a white horse on a lonely beach while chiding us as she runs her fingers through her lightly tossed blonde locks. Which would be, I must admit, much more enjoyable than being castigated by Ann Curry and her disapproving, furrowed brow at 7:14 am. What a way to start the day.

All of you of PC gods of gobbledygook have got to chill out on strangling our vocabulary to death with your egregious leaps to conclusions, or we are not going to be able to communicate any longer except through eye movements, hand signals and guttural grunts—which, I’m sure, I would still be ceaselessly censored given my current regular use of the finger, my habitual rolling of the eyes, and the incessant groaning I emit when I see Pelosi doing that crazy laughter under her breath while she’s stripping away our cherished liberties.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.