Doug Giles

• The Obama administration's CIA director, Leon Panetta, and Mr. Goss have both disputed Mrs. Pelosi's account. In a report to Congress on May 5, Mr. Panetta described the CIA's 2002 meeting with Mrs. Pelosi as “Briefing on EITs including use of EITs on Abu Zubaydah, background on [legal] authorities, and a description of the particular EITs that had been employed.” Note the past tense: “had been employed.”

When Panetta’s and Goss’ contradiction of Pelosi’s claim hit the news wire, White House aides said they heard Nancy screaming in the West Wing, “Leon, you stupid bastard! Porter, you moron! What the H-E-double hockey sticks were you thinking?” Soon after she screeched that invective it was reported that she crashed her unicycle into a wall and wrecked Lincoln’s portrait. It’s true.

Nancy evidently needs some help when she’s slinging BS. Her recent televised meltdown kinda worked against her. I’ve seen more sincerity on a TBN praise-a-thon than Pelosi’s last press conference.

You see, Mrs. Speaker, when you are involved in a ruse, you usually cannot count on others to prop up your subterfuge and must therefore con the American public all by your lonesome.

Here are a few tips I gathered for you from OJ Simpson’s and George Costanza’s bestselling book, How to Sear Your Conscience to Such an Extent That You Actually Believe the Smack You’re Peddling is True. If you want to be respected as an amazing bunkum artiste that other politicians aspire to emulate, then you have got to work on your delivery. Check out these five points from OJ and George; perhaps they will help you better sell your yarn should things heat up and you get dragged into court for your conflicting stories.

Tip # 23. When One Lies Out of One’s Backside, One Must Not Flail One’s Arms Like an Angry Haitian Voodoo Queen: OJ and George recommend less demonstrative gesticulations as opposed to the bizarre floundering of your arms and phalanges that you had going on during the press conference. Yes, according to Costanza and Simpson, wild body movements set off non-ideological folks’ BS detectors. So does saying “flat out” too often. Watch too much protestation.

Tip # 37. When One Lies Out of One’s Backside, One Must Not, Not Blink: If you’re going to snowball us goofy dorks, you must lose, according to OJ and George, that goggle-eyed Runaway Bride, Jennifer Wilbanks, freak stare when you are angry and are lying and can tell people are not buying it. You must soften your face, bat your eyelashes a bit, and don’t angrily point a crooked finger at the reporters who are simply asking honest questions.

Tip # 39. When One Lies Out of One’s Backside, One Must Not Pace Back and Forth Like a Caged Ring-tailed Lemur. Simpson and Costanza suggest that when you’re queried and you’re going to answer with, let’s say, a half truth, do not under any circumstances nervously pace like Perez Hilton did when his dad first caught him wearing his mother’s panty hose with cantaloupes duct taped to his chest. It makes you look panicky and desperate. Stay calmly in place behind the lectern; it’s more believable. Also, try not to wobble like a weeble when you speak. That, too, will set off even the most insensitive BS detectors.

Tip # 73. When One Lies Out of One’s Backside, One Must Not Forget One’s Spin. Sorry to say this, but it looked really bad last Thursday when you forgot the gobbledygook you were trying to pawn off on us and fumbled through your notes to restate your “position.” C’mon sister, you must commit your truth reconstructions to memory. Memorizing your lies to such an extent that they tumble off your tongue with such verbal gloss that Chrysostom, if he were alive, would bow and kiss your ring, is indispensible when casting one’s spell.

Tip # 79. When One Lies Out of One’s Backside, One Must Pray to Satan That The CIA Isn’t Offended When One States They’re Full of Crap. This is a must because they could be so ticked that they drag you to court . . . then you’ve gotta swear under oath and stuff, and witnesses are called . . . which might cost you your private jet and your gig as Speaker and leave you as a mere proverb of what not to be.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.