Doug Giles

Father, have you been to the mall lately and watched an unsupervised group of teenage girls get hit on by the ubiquitous male oxygen thieves? Pretty disturbing, eh? What’s even more mind numbing is the number of beautiful young ladies who actually give these scat based boys the time of day. Unreal.

Ticks you off now, doesn’t it?

If you have a pre-teen niña, then more than likely after watching those mall chicks capitulate to the weird male critter’s advances, you probably just swore to God that your daughter will never grow up to be one of “those girls” who would give one of those yard apes a second glance.

What about the junk on TV, dad? Have you switched on the idiot box and surfed around and seen the outrageous can’t-scrape-it-off-your-shoe compost the Manhattan marketing morons are trying to sell your young Sally before she hits puberty?

In the last few years Hollywood, public schools and universities, the music industry and fashion magazines have succeeded in making your girl feel weird if:

1. She doesn’t make out/sleep with a few chicks.

2. She doesn’t embrace being bad (as good is so, so passé and being a slut, well that’s totally awesome). It’s empowerment!

3. She doesn’t sleep with her zit-faced boyfriend, or at least dole out some ********, lest he become irate for being left high and dry. Yes, if she doesn’t service the young squire, he might get angry and shoot up the school or church or something.

4. She doesn’t drive drunk (heck, Paris, Britney, the Kardashians, Lindsay and Nicole have done it, and it appears they’re okay, right? I mean . . . they’re still on TV and they look pretty and stuff, so . . . it can’t be all that bad, now can it?)

5. She has problems with having a kid when she’s a kid.

6. She doesn’t take nude photos and videos of herself and send them around the planet via

7. She doesn’t inflate her chest to basketball proportions.

8. She has thin lips and doesn’t inject fat from her butt to plump ‘em up.

9. She won’t date a greasy moron like Flava Flav in order to get on TV, or easy street, or at least capture the keys to a Kia.

10. She has a problem with being a stripper or a pirate hooker.

11. She has a problem being like one of Hef’s splooged-brain girlfriends who’ll have sex with a well-to-do octogenarian simply for his drachmas.

12. She has a problem with donning a Halloween porn costume for her middle school party.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.