Doug Giles

Here’s what’s about to happen to your world:

1. Text messaging is going to diminish greatly because it is really hard to see that little keypad when you’ve been up for four days because your baby is colicky.

2. Your child’s 16 year-old sperm donor will probably leave you in the dust when he gets the revelation that he’s really not ready to be a dad with all that responsibility, blah blah. You watch. He’ll get freaked out, break up with you and will start dating his slutty math teacher.

3. Get ready to say hello to welfare, and I hope you have developed a palate for government cheese, spam (as in the food, not junk email) and powdered milk.

4. Your parents, who thought they were finished with child rearing, probably aren’t thrilled with their interrupted dreams and the child who’ll probably get dropped in their lap.

5. It’s harder for teens with kids to find a single guy who wants to marry that type of pre-packaged burden.

6. Shedding the 60lbs you’re about to gain ain’t that easy. Sure Christina, Halle, Nicole, Salma and Rippa look great three weeks after giving birth, but what you failed to realize is that they have $1,500 an hour trainers, nutritionists, hair and makeup artists, and a fleet of nannies and spray tanners following them around 24/7. You, on the other hand, have jack.

This pregnancy pact has got to be the new non-violent watermark for adolescent asininity.

Why couldn’t these loopy lasses have done something positive like all of them adopting dogs from a shelter, or doing a group exorcism on Gary Busey, or taking on a project like Courtney Love and trying to straighten her twisted backside out?

Look, if being positive isn’t hip then why not just start chain smoking and wearing OzzFest T-shirts like girls used to do?

If you ladies really, really want to rebel, get noticed, shock people at their inner core and rivet people’s attentions then I’ve got an idea. Are you ready?

Revolt against the slutification of our culture, learn how to read, become a conservative, help the poor during spring break versus flashing your boobs, get saved and finally, go to the Young Americas’ Foundation conference this summer!

People will freak. Teachers will trip out. Parents will be stunned and will wonder what has happened to you. Yes, if you want to go against the flow, rebel chick, be a conservative, a Christian and refuse to be part of the teenage wasteland.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.