Doug Giles

TD Jakes, Dallas based megachurch pastor and televangelist, wrote in a column for CNN earlier this month that as he listened to Barack wax eloquently during his victory speech he got “goose bumps.” This comment by Jakes, an evangelical minister, in turn gave me goose bumps—as in the bad ones.

You’re familiar with the icky chills, aren’t ‘cha? It’s that weird, tangible, frightening freeze you get when you wake up to the demon ghost of Leona Helmsley hovering over your bed in a Victoria’s Secret teddy at 3 AM or when you accidentally drink from the beer can your dipping buddy has been using for a spit cup. That’s the kind of tingly feeling I got when I read Jakes’ Barack goose bump bumbling gaffe.

Goose bumps, Mr. Jakes? Please. Isn’t all this “Barack gives me goose flesh” coming from male journalists, basketball team owners and now you, a bishop, a tad tweed?

Goose bumps? Have ministers and pundits been reduced to giggly fourteen year-old girls who discern Mr. Right based upon horripilation? If so, then I’m voting for 7/11’s giant cherry slurpee for president because not only did it give me severe chicken skin the other day when I was wailing on it, but I also had a 30 second brain-freezing drooling moment that was simply awesome.

Ah, the divining wand of goose bumps.

I remember an acquaintance of mine who married a whacked girl three years ago, much to his friends’, pastor’s and family’s disapproval. I asked him why the heck he was going to plow ahead and marry this chick even though all his closest friends didn’t dig her, and he said, “I can’t help it, she’s magnetic, bewitching, and she gives me goose bumps.”

Yep, it was because of this vixen’s voodoo that he “knew, just knew” that she was “God’s will for his life.” Well, 36 months later not only did she give him goose bumps but she also gave him Chlamydia, panic attacks and a whopping credit card debt, along with a little heart ache when she left him for a 19 year-old multi-tattooed girl from Starbucks.

Exactly what are we, the unenlightened cattle, to deduce from the reflex erection of the hairs on Jakes’ arm while he was watching the Obama pep rally? I tell you, heathen, what you’re supposed to construe: As a Christian who has been a part of charismatic church, when the pilomotor reflexes start popping during a church service, or a meeting, or while watching TBN, that feeling is a “sign” of the Holy Spirit’s presence, and thus God’s approval (never mind the fact that both the flesh and demons can counterfeit such a sensory experience).

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.