Muck Hickabee: The Too Compassionate Conservative

Doug Giles

12/29/2007 6:32:05 PM - Doug Giles

The thought of having to choose between Huckabee and Hillary (or whomever the Left tosses up) come November 2008 is about as appealing to me as the option of watching Rosie O’Donnell river dance naked at 11:00 PM verses watching Rosie O’Donnell river dance naked at 11:15 PM.

Both options bite.

I know as an evangelical I’m supposed to get all giddy and stuff that we have an “on fire” brother do-si-doing up to be the next Commander in Chief, but elated I am not. The main reason being? I think the guy would bend like Gumby when hit with the pressures of dealing with terrorists and terrorist supporting states. Heck, he can’t even stand up to Larry King when cornered on a creationism query. I guarantee Ahmadinejad and his ilk would have him moonwalking.

Now, why do I hypothetically think Mike would morph into Neville Chamberlain if ever to interface with crazy Islamic bastards who like blowing stuff up? Well, I’ve looked into his soul, and I have seen . . . a softy.

Okay, I’m lying. I haven’t seen his soul. I wouldn’t even know a soul if I saw one and wouldn’t begin to know where to look, either. Matter of fact, last time I tried to look into someone’s psyche and operate upon what I thought I was discerning I got gonorrhea. Just kidding.

Look, I have serious concerns when it comes to Huckabee securing our nation: I think he’s naïve, and I’m definitely not getting that Churchill feeling from him. This queasiness I have doesn’t come via some vibe I’m prophetically picking up on ol’ Huck but from the man’s own recent words concerning Iran.

Mike believes we’ve been irresponsible meanies toward the irrational Iranian mullahs and haven’t had any quality time with them over the last 30 years, thus making them angry and forcing them to hate the entire planet. Sure thing, Miguel. It’s our fault. Iran is whacked because we haven’t had them over for a piece of strawberry pie, a cold glass of milk and a spicy game of Yahtzee.

Huckabee believes that with a little less talk and a little more conversation we can get Iranian megalomaniacs who’re nuttier than a squirrel turd to dial down. Governor, do you really think that you can horse whisper this implacable crowd away from their fantasy of global domination and our eradication? If so, you underestimate their depth of detestation and overestimate your winsome personality.

As a Christian, I’m glad Huckabee is a believer and is anti-abortion and anti-gay marriage; however, my brethren, that’s not enough for moi. In this upcoming election my main issue is our nation’s right to life, and Huckabee, well . . . he just ain’t convincing me.