Doug Giles

Seems like the whiny babies among us have decided to lethally arm themselves and take out their post-pubescent “nobody likes me” rage on innocent people in schools, shopping malls and now . . . churches.

Yes, in the last ten days we have seen Napoleon Dynamite look alike Robert Hawkins kill eight innocent people at a mall in Omaha and then blow his own head off. Here’s an aside . . . Why can’t these warped records start with killing themselves? I think I speak for all Americans when I say, hey psychopathic mass-murdering jackass who intends to kill others and commit suicide: Do us all a favor and start with suicide. Begin there, with your death, okay?

Moving from the shopping malls to the hallowed halls of the Church, this past weekend we saw the brutal slaying of Christians at New Life Church and at a YWAM training center in Colorado. The culprit? Matthew Murray, a twenty-four-year-old pathetic toad.

I’m sorry. I’ve got to apologize. I sound way too harsh, don’t I? Y’know I really shouldn’t be so judgmental—especially since I’ve just received some pertinent information about why Matt killed four innocent people and wounded multiple others.

I just found out that Murray grew up in rather harsh conditions. Yep, it seems that young Matt was living at home with his mommy and his neurosurgeon daddy in the lap of frickin’ luxury in an opportunity-rich environment. Wow. Who could handle all that stress?!? That’s enough to make any of us snap.

In addition, I’ve just heard that there were three more major reasons why he was so incensed:

1. His parents wouldn’t let him have the Playboy Channel on his 96” plasma TV (unconfirmed).

2. They limited his text messaging to 200,000 texts per month (unconfirmed).

3. YWAM rejected him three years ago from being a part of their organization for health reasons.

It appears that M-squared had no other recourse but to act out aggressively. Who among us can blame him, huh? That’s enough to push anyone straight over the edge . . . isn’t it? I mean, c’mon . . . think about what he had to slog through in life: Opulence + Parental discipline + Limited cell phone use + A little rejection = Murderous rampage.

What’s that, you say? You think that the above sounds like a bunch of psychobabble and therapeutic twaddle? Yeah, I guess you’re right and that I was correct in being rabidly judgmental after all; he was an idiot, and we all should simultaneously loathe and forget him for what he did. Thank God the media is not giving this turd too much attention.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.