Doug Giles

Generally speaking, undisciplined (read unspanked) kids ruin every atmosphere they enter. Whether it’s in school, or a family reunion, or at the pool, or during church, or just a quiet evening of simply trying to suck down some spaghetti at Macaroni Grill, the kid who hasn’t had his clock regularly cleaned by mom and dad, when needed, is a disaster we can count on to regularly pee on the public’s peace. Speaking of restaurants, why can’t we have a “Non-Screaming Kid” section? These little fiends and their coddling parents bug me way more than a thick cloud of second hand smoke ever could.

Now, not only should we have a Non-Screaming Kid section in restaurants, but we should also make it illegal for parents to refrain from smacking their children when they behave badly. I’m a thinkin’ that most of the crap the Left comes up with is bass akwards in regard to common sense and traditional values anyway so . . . ipso facto . . . we should, as good conservatives, volley into the legislative court the proposal that if your kid acts up in public and you don’t spank them then we fine or imprison you. We could call it House Bill 666: The Anti-Little-Damien-Act.

If after this law goes into place and some parents are a wee bit squeamish to spank their children or have been cowed into obedience to their toddler, the private sector could provide spanking stations throughout the city by every Starbucks, shopping mall, Toys R Us, Blockbuster and McDonald’s, where with parents’ permission, their Johnny could be yanked into line.

Inside the spanking station we’d employ only big black mamas who have no problem whatsoever beating the white, black, yellow or brown off the backsides of rebel children. The parents would bring their child to the station, tell big mama what the kid did, and big mama would spank the child with the weapon of the parents’ choosing for, say, three minutes for fifty bucks. What do you think?

Hey Kaufman, kids today are out of control. They cuss, spit, hit, scream, brandish weapons and throw fits, and parents don’t do squat. Consequently, we have a generation of entitled 13-year-old miscreants who have no problem killing their parents in their sleep for not letting them get their genitals pierced or their face tattooed with a Maori warrior tribal sign.

Look folks, nothing works like a loving rap on the butt of a stubborn kid. Time outs don’t work. You might think they do, but we all know while the little angel is in the corner for thirty minutes with the TV off he’s not thinking about what he did wrong but rather how he can get a lawyer to sue you or which set of drapes he’s going to light on fire when you go out for your afternoon jog.

In addition, reasoning with a kid doesn’t work either. Attempting to convince a four-year-old who eats his boogers that he really shouldn’t pull his 14-month-old sister’s eyelashes out is an exercise in futility.

Also, bribing your sweetie with gifts gets both old and expensive and yields no fruit except an obese, gadget glutted, entitled 12 year old who has a BMW he’s too young to drive.

Parent . . . just spank ‘em. They won’t die. They’ll get the message and respect you for it in the long run. Or if you don’t want to spank your kid, you can get a leash and walk them around like a dog—and if it gets really bad you can put them on drugs.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.