Doug Giles

Yep, it seems as if the formerly nice and quaint public schools of yesteryear have officially come to resemble in character, intelligence, morality and safety our nation’s prison systems. Especially where I live in South Florida. Heck, they look and operate like jails. They’re ridiculously over-crowded with aspiring criminals sporting entitlement mentalities who are fueled on violence, disdain, sexual weirdness and Mountain Dew.

Then there’s the tasteless architecture of the school itself with its assiduously strewn barb wire, sprinkling of squad cars wedged up against the exit doors, and the soft, gentle pinging of metal detectors at the entrance. All of it screams jail to me. I say we might as well arm the guards, I mean, the teachers.

You know what’s weird? When I grew up in Texas we regularly brought our guns to school with us, especially during hunting season. And you know what else? We made fun of each other, we had rough days, and we got into fights. And no one…with weapons all around…ever brandished a gun and started strafing the crowd. If we had a problem we’d walk into a nearby alley and beat the snot out of each other. It was a beautiful thing. No guns. Just fists of fury. And usually after the scrap the combatants became compadres.

Also, back in the day, the teachers weren’t scared of us. They beat us. My coach, principle, choir and shop teacher would beat the white off my butt when I got out of line. No students went home and got their crack head uncle’s .25 auto and came back and shot the teachers and/or the students. But that day is long gone, and ever since we yanked corporal punishment and teacher terror out of the classroom room we’ve had a spike in dead students and faculty.

Finally, I’m a guessin’ that 99.9% of the parents who lost their children in the following wish that their child’s teacher had a gun in order to defend their now deceased child:

• Stockton massacre – Stockton, California, January 17, 1989

• University of Iowa shooting - Iowa City, Iowa, November 1, 1991

• Simon's Rock College of Bard shooting - Great Barrington, Massachusetts, December 14, 1992

• East Carter High School shooting - Grayson, Kentucky, January 18, 1993

• Richland High School shooting - Lynnville, Tennessee, November 15, 1995

• Frontier Junior High shooting - Moses Lake, Washington, February 2, 1996

• Pearl High School shooting, Pearl, Mississippi, October 1, 1997

• Heath High School shooting, West Paducah, Kentucky, December 1, 1997

• Jonesboro massacre - Jonesboro, Arkansas, March 24, 1998

• Thurston High School shooting - Springfield, Oregon, May 21, 1998

• Columbine High School massacre - near Littleton, Colorado, April 20, 1999

• Heritage High School shooting - Conyers, Georgia, May 20, 1999

• Santana High School - Santee, California, March 5, 2001

• Appalachian School of Law shooting - Grundy, Virginia, January 16, 2002

• Rocori High School shootings - Cold Spring, Minnesota, September 24, 2003

• Red Lake High School massacre - Red Lake, Minnesota, March 21, 2005

• Campbell County High School - Jacksboro, Tennessee, November 8, 2005

• Platte Canyon High School shooting - Bailey, Colorado, September 27, 2006

• Weston High School shooting, Cazenovia, Wisconsin September 29, 2006

• Amish school shooting - Nickel Mines, Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, October 2, 2006

• Henry Foss High School - Tacoma, Washington, January 3, 2007

• Virginia Tech massacre - Blacksburg, Virginia, April 16, 2007

• SuccessTech Academy shooting - Cleveland, Ohio, October 10, 2007

We can’t afford to rely on chunky security guards with golf carts, pepper spray, whistles and plastic badges to safeguard against these armed little death dealing bastards from hell (I believe the security guard at SuccessTech was on vacation when Coon attempted to kill his mates).

The reality is that this stuff goes down when you least expect it, and as long as schools don’t have some armed teachers and faculty that have been properly trained and equipped to kill the post-pubescent perps, the more we will continue to carry innocent children out of their classrooms in black body bags. Call me weird, but in every school shooting there should be only one casualty, namely the gun wielding culprit who commenced the chaos, and not your bystanding book carrying kid.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.