Doug Giles

“Should properly trained and licensed teachers be allowed to carry guns into their classrooms?” That’s the $64k question being tossed around this week (once again) after Satan’s latest spawn, Asa Coon, stooge emeritus, decided to shoot up his Cleveland high school’s teachers and classmates this week. How about, yes teachers should be allowed to lock and load because not being able to doesn’t seem to be working.

As far as I’m concerned, a responsible and trained teacher should ab-so-frickin’-lutely be able to carry on campus. And none of this “concealed weapons” crap. I’m talking about visibly carrying their piece on their hip. And not just one but two massive nickel-plated S&W Model 29 .44 magnums with 7 1/2 inch barrels with bandoliers thrown around their shoulders, and next to their juicy apple and pencil jar on their desk they should have a mounted .50 cal. machine gun. You know…“just in case.”

If that’s too much, I think, at least, all first year teachers should go through Jason Bourne-like weapons training and be issued a 9mm Glock upon signing their contract with a new school. Kind of a “Welcome to the Jungle, glad to have you” gift.

If I taught school, not only would I want to carry a gun into class in order to stop (please read kill) a pathetic punk who’s decided he’s going to mass murder twenty-three of his peers because two of them made fun of his chartreuse doo rag in his latest Facebook profile photo.

I’d also have on me for lesser offenses:

• An 8ft. bullwhip to peel the flesh from the backs of the multitudinous smarmy adolescent smart alecks

• Throwing knives for persistent cheaters

• Brass knuckles for the morons who call someone’s precious daughter a b*tch, slut or whore

• Concussion grenades to break up the bathroom orgies

• A night stick for the Boulder High School admin monkeys who tell students that ecstasy, weed and screwing everything that moves is okay. And lastly, I’d have…

• Desks that would flip backwards, dumping the student who just told me to f--- off into an underground water tank filled with sharks with lasers on their heads.

In short, my classsroom would look like Van Helsing’s house. No one would dare try anything. It would be the safest place on the planet. Parents would love it.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.