Doug Giles

My wife and I had a friend over for dinner the other night. After enjoying a tender backstrap off an axis deer I shot in Texas last year with my Ruger #1 chambered for the antiquated .275 Rigby round, mi amigo and I plopped our middle-aged butts down in the living room and switched on the tube.

We each fired up a big fat stogie (long ashes and big butts boys!) and sipped some Johnny Walker Blue as I blew through the various channels trying to find a show that sucked the least. Finding nothing but idiots aplenty, I went into default mode and switched on Fox News to see whose skull O’Reilly was crushing that night.

It was standard Bill fare: ball busting child molesters, cranking on cultural coarsening miscreants, interpreting the physical ticks of Britney with the body language lady, and shouting up the troops in Iraq as he augured a return to traditional American values.

As we watch O’Reilly war on sordid fellows of the baser sort, my buddy Oscar Sastoque of the Miami Fitness Connection turned and asked me if I had watched Keith Olbermann lately on MSNBC.

After retrieving my cigar I had spit across the room and cleaning up the whiskey I’d reflexively thrown over my shoulder when queried, I said, “No. I’m an American. And if you have, you can leave my house now.” Oscar calmed me down, assuring me that he hadn’t gone over to the dark side, and said that Keith had gone off-kilter with his O’Reilly “must die” fixation.

I figured, what the heck, I’ll check it out. Surely God wouldn’t send me to hell for watching a little MSNBC would he? Sure, he might put under a minor negative sanction for wasting my time or not using my mind properly, but hell? Nah. He probably would let it slide, seeing how my job is to remain aware of what the loopy left is doing. So, I took a long draw on the puros and a biting sip of Johnny’s best and turned over to Keith to see if he was unraveling like Oscar said he was.

I couldn’t believe what I saw and heard. Keith was going ballistic, obsessing about O’Reilly like a jealous and rabid Jan Brady drowning in her sister Marsha’s praise wake. To me it wasn’t as offensive as it was pathetic—and pathetic it was.

Y’know…envy isn’t pretty. You and I both know that this is what Keith’s Salieri-like preoccupation with Bill is all about, namely ugly and uncut China white envy. MSNBC’s ratings are dragging like a fat man in a marathon, so instead of re-tooling and figuring out why they blow, the wizards at MSNBC decide to fuel Keith’s jealous wrath.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.