Let’s Call God “Allah” and Jesus “Slappy White”

Doug Giles
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Posted: Aug 18, 2007 7:00 PM

Tiny Muskens, a Dutch Roman Catholic Bishop in Amsterdam, released another nifty idea this week upon his wooden shoe wearing sheep. Minister Muskens, well-known for stupidity aplenty, came up with a fresh game plan of which he said would aid the Dutch, yea, the entire world in getting along with Muslims Gone Wild. Tiny proposed “that people of all faiths refer to God as Allah to foster understanding.”

Well, isn’t that special?

How precious.

God bless you, Tiny.

According to the Netherlands' biggest-selling newspaper, De Telegraaf, Tiny, after tabling his plan to reporters, said he had no further comment. He simply smiled, did a pirouette, stripped down to his pink boy shorts, put on a spaghetti-strapped yellow sun dress which he had in his exorcist kit and then started skipping down the cobblestone street with Boy George blaring from his iPod mini.

According to The Associated Press, Bishop Tiny Muskens (you can’t make up this stuff, folks), from the southern diocese of Breda, told Dutch television on Monday that “God did not mind what He was named and that in Indonesia [where Muskens spent eight years] priests used the word ‘Allah’ while celebrating Mass . . . Allah is a very beautiful word for God. Shouldn't we all say that from now on? We will name God ‘Allah’ . . . What does God care what we call Him? It is our problem."

I’ve got two problems with this priest’s prescription:

1. The Catholic Church in Indonesia is not the pace car for Christian conduct. Hello. . . . FYI to Tiny: of course Catholics in Indonesia are going to call God ‘Allah’—there are two of them and 234,693,997 Muslims. I’m guessin’ that the Catholics over there are pissing their pants.

I bet they’re feeling the same way I felt when I, the only white dude in a full theater, saw the movie Malcolm X the first day it was released. When asked by a rather large, pigment-blessed patron as the credits were rolling if I liked the film, I said, “of course I liked it. Whitey is the devil—and could you point me to the nearest well-lit exit?” Catholics in Indonesia do it? Please.

2. God doesn’t mind what we call Him, eh? What god are you talking about, Tiny? Are you talking about the god of fearful and capitulating chunky Dutch priests? If so, I’m sure that such a squishy, imaginary, nutless diety that one’s made up in his fetid and feckless fermented mind is completely cool with such a craven course of action.

Listen, Tiny, God’s name/names are significant. Remember the “hallowed be Thy name” stuff the real Jesus taught in the Bible? I assume you had to at least scan the scripture at one time before you got that collar and started going around saying such stupid things in public. Listen, Father Feelgood, do a little word search regarding God’s name and see if He cares what you call Him before you queue up with your craziness.

You will quickly find in this little exercise that God’s name[s] denote His nature, His character, His person and His work. Much like yours, Señor Muskens. Let’s break down your name: Tiny Muskens. Tiny, meaning very small, minute and wee. And Muskens, derived from the root word “musk,” meaning a smelly greasy secretion, as well as an artificial imitation of the substance.

Why stop with just a simple name change, Tiny? Let’s remodel everything we do to suit radical Muslims. I mean, we don’t want to upset them now, do we?

To foster peace and Rodney Kingishness [can’t we all get along?] we could do things such as . . .

1. Start calling our churches mosques.

2. We could call Jesus “Slappy White” because Slappy was a beautiful person, a great jazz guitarist—and he made some tasty BBQ ribs.

3. Yank the steeples off the roofs or our churches and replace them with gold domes. 4. Start circumcising our young girls.

5. Start killing homosexuals, adulterers and thieves.

6. Start oppressing women.

7. Fling open our borders.

8. Disband the TSA, NSA, FBI and CIA.

9. Start hating Israel.

10. Start hating America.

11. Grow long beards.

12. Scrap Christmas for a Mohammed’s Birthday Blow Out Bonanza.

13. Replace Easter with Ramadan.

14. Bring on the burkhas.

15. Become liberals. And . . .

16. We could all start wearing Tiny Muskens’ new Butt Kisser Lip Balm.