Doug Giles

Tiny Muskens, a Dutch Roman Catholic Bishop in Amsterdam, released another nifty idea this week upon his wooden shoe wearing sheep. Minister Muskens, well-known for stupidity aplenty, came up with a fresh game plan of which he said would aid the Dutch, yea, the entire world in getting along with Muslims Gone Wild. Tiny proposed “that people of all faiths refer to God as Allah to foster understanding.”

Well, isn’t that special?

How precious.

God bless you, Tiny.

According to the Netherlands' biggest-selling newspaper, De Telegraaf, Tiny, after tabling his plan to reporters, said he had no further comment. He simply smiled, did a pirouette, stripped down to his pink boy shorts, put on a spaghetti-strapped yellow sun dress which he had in his exorcist kit and then started skipping down the cobblestone street with Boy George blaring from his iPod mini.

According to The Associated Press, Bishop Tiny Muskens (you can’t make up this stuff, folks), from the southern diocese of Breda, told Dutch television on Monday that “God did not mind what He was named and that in Indonesia [where Muskens spent eight years] priests used the word ‘Allah’ while celebrating Mass . . . Allah is a very beautiful word for God. Shouldn't we all say that from now on? We will name God ‘Allah’ . . . What does God care what we call Him? It is our problem."

I’ve got two problems with this priest’s prescription:

1. The Catholic Church in Indonesia is not the pace car for Christian conduct. Hello. . . . FYI to Tiny: of course Catholics in Indonesia are going to call God ‘Allah’—there are two of them and 234,693,997 Muslims. I’m guessin’ that the Catholics over there are pissing their pants.

I bet they’re feeling the same way I felt when I, the only white dude in a full theater, saw the movie Malcolm X the first day it was released. When asked by a rather large, pigment-blessed patron as the credits were rolling if I liked the film, I said, “of course I liked it. Whitey is the devil—and could you point me to the nearest well-lit exit?” Catholics in Indonesia do it? Please.

2. God doesn’t mind what we call Him, eh? What god are you talking about, Tiny? Are you talking about the god of fearful and capitulating chunky Dutch priests? If so, I’m sure that such a squishy, imaginary, nutless diety that one’s made up in his fetid and feckless fermented mind is completely cool with such a craven course of action.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.