This past week Sheryl Crow instructed us all on how we could save our planet: namely, by wiping our Chattahoochee canal with only one sheet of toilet paper. Sheryl, if you really want to cool the earth, really commit and don’t use any TP. If you truly believe the specious global warming doo-doo, Sher, then none has got to be better than one. Go commando, Crow!
Not being an aging, pot smoking hippie—but a very concerned dad—I think we should be showing young adults how not to be a Cho Seung Hui. Call me unhip, but I’m more concerned about how we can wipe a would-be Cho off the planet than I am about how a single ply of Charmin helps regulate the earth’s surface temperatures, thereby saving the polar bear. Which reminds me, I still didn’t get my polar bear permit for this fall’s hunt.
The video left by Cho affords great insight into this sick gnat’s psyche, which provides us with a good blueprint on how not to become twisted and pathetic. Three principle evils repeatedly showed up in this petty ninja turtle’s video montage.
1. Self pity. One thing that came screaming out of the Cho video was this little wussie’s “poor me” mentality. Poor widdle Cho. Nobody likey you? You’ve got a rough life. This young man suffered from all the injustices of an upper middle class life: iPods, high speed internet service, the ability to attend a stellar university in a first world country with enough surplus cash to buy a frickin’ arsenal and employ a stripper to entertain him in a hotel room. If only American Idol’s execs would have found out about Seung’s sad subsistence they could have held a telethon just for him to relieve his stress, which far out weighs what others are suffering in third world countries. . . . Not.
If you, the young person, do not want to get anywhere close to being a Cho Seung Weed, then drop the pathetic waa waa stuff now. You live in America, dammit. You’re blessed no matter how much your life might temporarily reek. Grow up. People across America, join me in doing this: when one of our young citizens starts a pity party in our presence, let’s take the toilet paper we’re now saving (thanks to Sheryl Crow) and cram it down the ungrateful narcissist’s whining pie hole.
2. Blameshifting. Cho, the feeble blowhard, said Mercedes Benz, cognac, rich kids and hedonism forced his hand to kill people. Cho, if you can hear me through all the screaming you’re doing in hell right now, why didn’t you join the chunky and demented Rosie O’Donnell and blame Christianity and President Bush, as well?
Young person, to avoid a meet and greet with Seung Hui in Satan’s sulphur pit, quit blaming others for your actions. People who do that sound like dismal weasels. Look, if circumstances (or your own terrible choices) toss you into dire straits, put on your thinking cap and try to figure how you can best field this bad deal. And in the mean time, suck it up, play the man, cease the sniveling, find the high road in your SNAFU and blow us all away by turning your lemon into lemonade—alright, Puss-N-Boots?
3. Isolation. Young person, if you don’t want to think freaky thoughts that lead to doing foul things, then quit being a loner. Most people get weird when they spend too much time alone. I understand the need to be by yourself. I like my alone time, too. I need it.
When alone I pray, read the scripture or other great books, enjoy a nice cigar, and I sing AC/DC songs at the top of my lungs while wearing a Spartan outfit from the movie 300. But I’ve learned through years of practiced solitude that there are a few telltale signs indicating I need to cease from my solo time and become more social:
• When my seclusion begins to spawn convoluted conspiracy theories.
• When I believe my dog Spunky is commanding me, in Spanish, to start a revolution.
• When I begin to think that I am the prophet Elijah that is to precede Christ in his Second Coming, etc.
Cho went loopy being a loner. That crazy bastard did not have people around him to tell him he was a crazy bastard, because he was a crazy bastard that drove off non crazy bastards. Young person, you can get unweird by getting out more often. Be friendly. Take the rejection chip off your shoulder. Buy The Idiot’s Guide to Not Being a Jerk and get a few buddies who feel the love, freedom and responsibility to crow bar you away from your demons when they manifest—alright?
If our young ones would just suck in their pouty lip, cease to blame others because their life blows and do the Rodney King and try to get along, we could circumvent a lot of egregious behavior—not to mention Cho-like murderous mayhem.