Doug Giles

Young person, to avoid a meet and greet with Seung Hui in Satan’s sulphur pit, quit blaming others for your actions. People who do that sound like dismal weasels. Look, if circumstances (or your own terrible choices) toss you into dire straits, put on your thinking cap and try to figure how you can best field this bad deal. And in the mean time, suck it up, play the man, cease the sniveling, find the high road in your SNAFU and blow us all away by turning your lemon into lemonade—alright, Puss-N-Boots?

3. Isolation. Young person, if you don’t want to think freaky thoughts that lead to doing foul things, then quit being a loner. Most people get weird when they spend too much time alone. I understand the need to be by yourself. I like my alone time, too. I need it.

When alone I pray, read the scripture or other great books, enjoy a nice cigar, and I sing AC/DC songs at the top of my lungs while wearing a Spartan outfit from the movie 300. But I’ve learned through years of practiced solitude that there are a few telltale signs indicating I need to cease from my solo time and become more social:

• When my seclusion begins to spawn convoluted conspiracy theories.

• When I believe my dog Spunky is commanding me, in Spanish, to start a revolution.

• When I begin to think that I am the prophet Elijah that is to precede Christ in his Second Coming, etc.

Cho went loopy being a loner. That crazy bastard did not have people around him to tell him he was a crazy bastard, because he was a crazy bastard that drove off non crazy bastards. Young person, you can get unweird by getting out more often. Be friendly. Take the rejection chip off your shoulder. Buy The Idiot’s Guide to Not Being a Jerk and get a few buddies who feel the love, freedom and responsibility to crow bar you away from your demons when they manifest—alright?

If our young ones would just suck in their pouty lip, cease to blame others because their life blows and do the Rodney King and try to get along, we could circumvent a lot of egregious behavior—not to mention Cho-like murderous mayhem.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.