I hate to sound like some religious nut job here—but I really felt (sort of) for certain that God gave me, and me alone, the 10 Commandments for Husbands, last Wednesday while I was watching American Idol.
“God inspired you to write this?” you say. Yep, God did. The way I’m almost certain it was maybe God speaking to me is that every time He speaks to me about something (and it’s pretty often), I begin to smell WD40, packing popcorn begins to fall from the ceiling of my trailer house, and then a voice begins speaking to me in English—but with an angry and commanding high-pitched Chinese accent. It’s quite an experience.
Given all these divine attestations, who can doubt that what I have penned for you husbands is anything but inspired. Stand in awe, all ye husbands, because herewith are 10 things that thou must doeth . . . or I guess not doeth—actually, there’s both—to have a successful marriage.
1. Thou shalt not demand that thy middle aged wife look like one of Hef’s 20-year old chicks. Staying attractive for each other via exercise, diet and, possibly, a little nip/tuck, is one thing. Demanding that thy 45-year old wife look like a 19-year old Hillary Duff after she’s received multitudinous stretch marks from giving birth to thy three kids puts thou solidly in the running for the “Ass of the Universe” crown. Yea, such an attitude officially ticketh off the Lord thy God.
Palm Pilot, listen to the prophetic word, thou must be content with loving thy wife and appreciating her as an attractive and mature woman. She’s not 20 any more, and by the way, neither art thou (or is it thee?). As a matter of fact, thou probably art a paunch gut sluggard with severe halitosis whose hair is both turning gray and loose. Thou shouldst be real thankful that she doesn’t turn the plastic surgery/male enhancement gun on thou and thy . . . uh, shall we say, challenged areas.
2. Thou shalt not hang out with horndogs. Hanging out with guys who hateth their wives, who loveth to indulge in the superfluity of naughtiness and who are out to convert the faithful to the Cult of Infidelity is muy goofy. Be not deceived: bad company will land thee in a strip club or an illicit affair which will causeth thou to meet with the chainsaw of Jehovah. Be afraid.