I think the world is coming to an end. I didn’t come to this conclusion simply because a lot of people actually read and like my column, but primarily because of the tons of positive emails I’m getting from former livid ladies confessing their remorse for their previous acts of husband hating. It’s crazy. It must be global warming causing all these ex-ice queens to melt and warm up to their men. See, global warming ain’t all that bad, Al. Anyway, enough of the happy crap. . . .
I want to continue to feed the wives who want to snuff the life out of their marriage and make that thing more tedious that listening to Sanjaya sing, “Riders on the Storm.”
Having covered “nag your husband and disparage him in public” in part one and “how to drive him nuts by short leashing him, becoming a drama queen, hating his friends and hating his hobbies” in part two, I now offer you (the bellicose beastesses of husband hatred) the final four fundamentals that will make your husband prefer being bitten on the crotch by a black mamba to your blah, blah, blah.
7. Cut him off sexually. Another great way to make your man hit a depressed state that is only eclipsed by the one Rosie O’Donnell’s proctologist deals with is to cut him off from hot relations. I mean, give him nada. Guys will stomach some nagging, getting short leashed, multitudinous Naomi Campbellesque dramatic outbursts and your general disinterest of his interests—as long as you rock his world in the bedroom. Yes, most men are that easy.
Your job, Jezebel, is to ruin your marriage; therefore, it’s not enough to rag and ridicule him and then run his friends off. No, you must go the second mile and turn into the Sex Nazi: “No sex for you!”
Yes, your goal, Cold Ethel, is to make Hillary Clinton look like Jenna Jameson. I’m talkin’ about shutting the sex factory downnnnnnnnnnnnnn. Cutting him off sexually will intensify his marital angst and could, if you’re lucky, help push him over the temptation edge into an affair or into a crazy porn addiction or some other soul unraveling behavior like doubting his manhood, his sanity or his reasons for falling in love with you in the first place. Pretty cool, eh?
If you do ever have sex with your husband, you’ve got to make sure it’s not out of love for him or the desire to have fun and enjoy his intimate company, but rather as the means to some sinister, manipulative end. Make your hubby sexually pay until he obeys. Here’s what ‘cha gotta do. When he locks step to your wishes (I mean to the “T”), then, and only then, do you dole out a little sexual treat. Get that whole Pavlov’s dog thing going with him.
Under no circumstances should you show appreciation, be tender, fun, amorous and adventurous or do any other thing that’ll keep the love flame lit. TLC, if injected into the marriage mix, will cause the two of you to have a healthy sexual relationship, which obviously helps a marriage (plus burns calories)—and that would completely derail your desires for marital misery.
8. Get your parents and/or siblings involved in your marriage. Forget this leave and cleave stuff the Bible dictates. If you want your union to unravel then you’ve got to gang tackle your husband with la familia. For example: if you, as a couple, have a major decision to make, seek counsel and opinions only from your mom and dad, rather than your husband. This will give him that stooge/stepchild feeling of useless stupidity that is, FYI, a great alienating agent.
Also, does your husband need a job and does your dad own a business? What a great opportunity! Get your dad and his company to hire your husband. This will eventually require your husband to obey you at all times, because now he owes his monetary butt to you and daddy.
Lastly, do not under any circumstance attempt to work out your marital problems between just you and your man. Rather, get your angry sisters, your lard butt brother and your mother who’s nuttier than a squirrel turd to weigh in. Once conflict occurs, surround him in a scrum of familial disapproval. If not stopped, this clustering of belligerent kin against your husband will eventually do in the marriage. Since your goal is to tear down your own house, you probably need to call mama right now and complain about something your husband’s done. If he hasn’t done anything negative lately, just dig up something he did in the past. Or put a little twist on something he did with good intentions and make it seem like it was done on purpose to ruin your life.
9. Never apologize. If, in the odd event you do something that hurts your husband, or . . . say the unlikely occasion arises where you were woefully and ridiculously wrong on an issue, never, I mean never, under any circumstance, apologize for anything.
Why should you say you’re sorry? You’re the Queen of Mean, the Belle of Bitterness and culpable for nothing. You’re not going to apologize because . . . uh . . . well, um . . . the wrong you did wasn’t entirely your fault. Hello. He knows that. You have low blood sugar. And on that day when you screwed up and made yourself look like an ass by wrongfully axe-grinding on your man, it was because you didn’t have your afternoon Butterfinger fix. As a matter of fact, your husband, yes, your husband (whom you had put in charge of stockpiling your Butterfinger reserves) let the coffers run dry. Which means (that’s right!), he is actually responsible for your demonic manifestation. Thus, it’s him, I tell you . . . it’s your husband who should apologize, dammit. You . . . apologize? Please.
Whether it’s low blood sugar, PMS, PBS, Global Warming, the vast ring wing conspiracy or Bill O’Reilly, you, the marital femme fatale, are fortunate to live in the 21st century. In this therapeutic age you are afforded excuses aplenty that will help you destroy your marriage by never owning or asking for forgiveness for your hellish behavior.
10. Look bugly (butt ugly). Women come in all shapes and sizes. The majority of men that I know (who love the testosterone, heterosexual, God-blessed fog in which they dwell) really like women. From Calista Flockhart to Queen Latifa, to them . . . it’s all good. That is, as long as the ladies take care of what the good Lord has given them. The successful marriages I’ve seen know and abide by this golden nugget: always look your best . . . to constantly attract and show respect for your mate. It also aids in not terrifying dogs and small children.
Staying attractive messes with your husband’s head. It makes him think, “holy guacamole” when he sees you. It makes him envision you while he’s at work or out of town. It makes the boys’ night out a little shorter—especially when you tell him, as he’s leaving the house, that you’ve got the outfit from the lower right-hand corner of page 96 of the Victoria Secret Spring catalogue waiting to be modeled for him if he’s home by 10pm.
However, since you’re focused on mucking up your marriage, you’ve got to look bugly. Here’s how it goes. Your husband’s getting a little belly, so why shouldn’t you match it? Or better yet, better it? You should blow off regular exercising, occasional tanning and wearing sexy perfumes. Don’t bleach that hair on your lip, don’t wash your greasy hair or follow current fashion; just plow on with your hellish couture . . . the over sized t-shirts, oily skin, stretch pants and that hair style you got from 1906 Sears catalogue. To heck with your husband (and the world) if he doesn’t like your looks. Your goal is to make him love you for who you are, not what you look like.
And with that, I’m done with “How Wives Can Ruin Their Marriage.” Go for it, ladies. Maybe, just maybe, you can take Elsa Lancaster’s old role in the upcoming Bride of Frankenstein remake. Work hard and keep your fingers crossed. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, eh? Don’t deviate from these principles, because if you do, you might end up with a happy marriage. Yecch.
One more thing: I’ve been asked by many people and talk show hosts if I’m going to do a series regarding how husbands can ruin their marriages. My answer: I’m not feeling it right now. There are plenty of books on Amazon.com that deal with that subject. And anyways, I think the boys have had their knuckles rapped for too long and for too much while the girls have been allowed to walk with impunity.
So . . . I wouldn’t look for anything from me anytime soon on that topic. When things, blame wise, balance out—and if I’m still alive and if the price is right and I’m not hunting or painting or vacationing with my family . . . or watching grass grow or re-reading the operational manual of the hinge or having my fingernails slowly removed by an angry sadistic midget with pliers—then and only then, I might write something which goes after the guys.
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