I think the world is coming to an end. I didn’t come to this conclusion simply because a lot of people actually read and like my column, but primarily because of the tons of positive emails I’m getting from former livid ladies confessing their remorse for their previous acts of husband hating. It’s crazy. It must be global warming causing all these ex-ice queens to melt and warm up to their men. See, global warming ain’t all that bad, Al. Anyway, enough of the happy crap. . . .
I want to continue to feed the wives who want to snuff the life out of their marriage and make that thing more tedious that listening to Sanjaya sing, “Riders on the Storm.”
Having covered “nag your husband and disparage him in public” in part one and “how to drive him nuts by short leashing him, becoming a drama queen, hating his friends and hating his hobbies” in part two, I now offer you (the bellicose beastesses of husband hatred) the final four fundamentals that will make your husband prefer being bitten on the crotch by a black mamba to your blah, blah, blah.
7. Cut him off sexually. Another great way to make your man hit a depressed state that is only eclipsed by the one Rosie O’Donnell’s proctologist deals with is to cut him off from hot relations. I mean, give him nada. Guys will stomach some nagging, getting short leashed, multitudinous Naomi Campbellesque dramatic outbursts and your general disinterest of his interests—as long as you rock his world in the bedroom. Yes, most men are that easy.
Your job, Jezebel, is to ruin your marriage; therefore, it’s not enough to rag and ridicule him and then run his friends off. No, you must go the second mile and turn into the Sex Nazi: “No sex for you!”
Yes, your goal, Cold Ethel, is to make Hillary Clinton look like Jenna Jameson. I’m talkin’ about shutting the sex factory downnnnnnnnnnnnnn. Cutting him off sexually will intensify his marital angst and could, if you’re lucky, help push him over the temptation edge into an affair or into a crazy porn addiction or some other soul unraveling behavior like doubting his manhood, his sanity or his reasons for falling in love with you in the first place. Pretty cool, eh?
If you do ever have sex with your husband, you’ve got to make sure it’s not out of love for him or the desire to have fun and enjoy his intimate company, but rather as the means to some sinister, manipulative end. Make your hubby sexually pay until he obeys. Here’s what ‘cha gotta do. When he locks step to your wishes (I mean to the “T”), then, and only then, do you dole out a little sexual treat. Get that whole Pavlov’s dog thing going with him.