From the negative reaction I’ve received from cranky women and toxic feminists, as well as the tremendous positive responses/confessions from honest and repentant ex- men emasculators, I think I’m on to something with my “How Wives Can Kill Their Marriage” series.
In regards to screeching female critics of my column, you and I both know that if I went to town on husbands (which I have many times . . . check my archives) everything would be cool. I would be loved and hailed by all the misandrists far and wide. Yes, the man haters would be giddy. However, when I turn my guns on the girls for their garish behavior towards their husbands, all of a sudden I’m a sexist, or a homo, or a . . . a . . . a something.
What’s the matter? Can’t take the heat? Listen, little Miss Can’t Do Wrong, I’m here to tell you that, believe it or not, you’re capable and oft times culpable for creating for your mate a living hell that is only surpassed by an eternal one.
For those women who want to become more efficient at eroding your husband’s spirit, here are four more additional acrimonious assets that’ll drive your hubby to drink massive volumes of alcohol and prefer angry leopard wrestling, listening to Yoko Ono yodel or Chinese water torture to your presence.
Having covered 1) Nag Your Husband and 2) Disparage Him in Public in my last column, I now offer you, the man-eater, points three through six for your bitter arsenal.
3. Keep Him On a Short Leash. Third on my list for how you, the Satan woman, can kill your marriage is to place your husband on a short leash. Better yet, a choke chain. Your goal is three-fold: make your man to feel, fear and heel to your wrath. You’ve got to verbally shackle him to your commands. Make him believe like he can’t sit, stand, play, think, speak or spend money unless you, the queen condor, allow him to.
By short leashing your husband with an exacting set of laws, you will, in short order, morph in his head from being his lover to being his mother. This masochistic machination of insane restrictions will make your man feel like a stupid son, controlled by you, his new petulant mommy.
Forever gone will be the friend, fan, soul mate and confidant stuff that initially drew the two of you together. Once again, pure gold here, girls . . . pure gold. Listen, using this tip might not produce immediate devastating effects upon your man, but don’t lose heart. It’ll work, and he’ll turn into a newt or move into the corner of your attic or joyfully leave you in the dust. Either way, this ditty will suck the wind right out of your marriage sails.
4. Become a Drama Queen. Another thing that’ll make your husband long to be stranded in the Mojave Desert with no food or sun screen and only a rabid Rottweiler to keep him company is, become a drama mama. Yes, your goal, ghoulfriend, is to ratchet up every situation so that you emotionally drain your man. Make the atmosphere of your home tense. Make everything, especially the small things, turn into a five alarm fire.
The thing drama queens do so effectively is jack up the stress levels in the relationship. This, naturally, robs the relationship of the fertile presence of peace. This redlining, high RPM spirit will stretch his nerves more out of shape than the elastic in Grosie O’Donnell’s XXXXL panties.
Go for it, ladies. Sweat the small stuff. Yell, freak, faint. Sound the alarm, even if it’s only over a broken dragon nail. If you concentrate you can make anything WW3. Focus on wearing him out with your daily theater. Do not under any circumstance become a calm and well-modulated, peaceful and poised wife who can field any real or imagined problem that gets shot her way.
5. Hate his Friends. Separate your husband from his compadres quickly. You mustn’t allow your husband to hang out with anyone but you. Sever those relational ties your companion has with those who have walked to hell and back with him because now, yes now . . . it’s all about you.
You especially want to steer him clear of friends who feel the liberty and responsibility to shed light on you, the whacked wife. In addition, get your guy away from those buddies who have amazing and gracious wives or girlfriends. “Why?” you ask. Well, a loving, caring and an affirming couple will expose your broom riding proclivities and put needed pressure on you to dial freakin’ down. Remember and beware: trusted and wise friends are able to bring perspective to marital mayhem.
Therefore, slander his friends, vilify them and have stuff planned every night of the week ‘til Jesus returns. If for some odd reason he steals a rare, uncontrolled moment where he and his friends can get a beer, try this: Just before he walks out of the door, start the washing machine, then cut the hose as the tub is filling and flood house. Or just set the drapes on fire. That’ll keep him home.
6. Hate his hobby. Keeping the husband from his friends is not enough because your husband still has an out in his hobby. Your goal is to joy steal anywhere pleasure can be had, and it is here that hobbies figure in greatly. Therefore, set your cross hairs immediately upon that which flicks his diversionary switch. You don’t want him to enjoy anything that you don’t like. Your duty: remove any recourse he has to find solace in something.
Additionally, hobbies create relationships built around shared likes, and remember, your goal is to keep him on a choke chain, with no compadres, sequestered in the house to listen to you moo. Never, under any circumstance, take an interest in his interests, encourage him in his pursuits and just simply let the boy play, as this understanding spirit could actually make him take a shinnin’ to you and you wouldn’t want that to happen.
I see you next week for the final four facts that’ll help you fry your husband…
* Logon to ClashRadio.com and check out Doug’s interview with Hugh Hewitt, author of the NYT best seller, A Mormon in the White House?
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