Doug Giles

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (KSM) painted himself during his trial this week at Club Gitmo as employee of the decade for Al Qaeda’s Death Monkey Squad. This piece of Samsonite prattled on with Islamic glee about his noxious brain farts such as . . .

• The suicide hijackings of 9/11. Remember 9/11/2001? Think back, way back to like . . . uh . . . 5 ½ years ago when 3,000 people died during a terrorist attack here in the U.S. Does that ring a bell? It doesn’t? Just google it. It was pretty bad.

• Personally cutting off Danny Pearl’s head.

• The Bali night club bombings which blew to smithereens a couple of hundred people.

• The killing of one U.S. Marine on an island off Kuwait.

• The 2002 bombing of a Kenya beach resort frequented by Israelis.

• The failed missile attack on an Israeli passenger jet after it took off from Mombasa, Kenya.

And if that wasn’t industrious enough, KSM (according to him) had many other things up his long sleeve dress. Stuff like: plans to off a couple of U.S. Presidents (Carter and Clinton . . . Go figure!), rub out Pope John Paul II and Pakistan’s President Musharaf, plus bring down the Sears Tower in Chi Town. Uh . . . let’s see . . . what else? Oh yeah, bomb the Empire State Building, the New York Stock Exchange, the Panama Canal, some big clock in London and Heathrow Airport.

All in all, this one Muslim has claimed responsibility for masterminding the deaths of several thousand people and had tens of thousands of others marked for mayhem had not Bush and his boys busted the bastard.

But then again, this all could be a scam cooked up by the Bush administration. Yes! That’s it! It’s all lies. Lies, I tell you. That is, if I am to believe Rosie O’Donnell (what a waste of an apostrophe!).

According to Orca, I mean, Facts-Be-Damned-O’Donnell, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is a mere kitty cat and that mean old Bush has Lee Harvey’d him. Khalid wasn’t involved in any of the above. C’mon people. Wake up. That was Osama and Osama alone. We’re being hood-wigged and bamboozled by Bush, dammit, at least according to Rosie’s sweaty vociferations on The View.

The reason the shabby Sheikh confessed to these atrocities, thus saith the Rose, was because he was tortured. O’Donnell points to such evidence of his suffering to things like KSM’s ugly Glamour photo.

Yes, according to Mama Cass, for three years the CIA has been messing up Khalid’s hair (probably a series of violent noogies), not allowing him to shave very often and making him wear a Flash Dance T-shirt—and that lethal combination eventually caused the boy to cave. He couldn’t take it, man. He got to the place where he’d own anything for some Brylcreem, a Trac2 and some lycra.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.