Doug Giles

I think I speak for most heterosexual males when I say I’m not homophobic but chick-o-centric. Let’s keep it positive, okay? It’s not that we dislike you, the gay guy; it’s just that we really like girls. It seems no matter how long we compliantly spend in rehab undergoing the most stringent psychotherapy to rid ourselves of our knee-jerk to your mate choice, the simple fact is . . . heterosexual guys don’t “get” gays. Period.

Heck, we don’t understand women. What makes you think we’ll ever understand a man who doesn’t like women yet wants to be a woman? You just rifled right over our heads. In addition, not only are most men incapable of comprehending what a man sees in another man, we also don’t care to try to because football is on—so can we all just shut the hell up with the gay stuff and watch the game?!?

Please, rehab freaks, you’re wasting your time on the heterosexual tribe trying to get us to be cool with that which is incomprehensible to us. Just like the homosexual, we are quite happy with our sexual bent and our own little world, so leave us alone, por favor.

Now, this doesn’t mean that heterosexuals hate you, the homosexual. It simply means we’re focused on women; which, by command, causes our paths of camaraderie to part. No, this is not a phobia and it doesn’t mean we loathe you. It’s simply the funk of nature. As a matter of fact, I have several friends that are gay. I kind of view them like dolphins; they’re fun, entertaining and creative. I truly enjoy their presence. I just don’t know what they get out of eating mullet. My homosexual acquaintances view me in a similar light.

In the spirit of continuing diplomatic relations with homosexuals, you the gay person, has got to help me out a little bit. If girls are so icky and men are so mondo-jovial, why do you and a lot of your reps take on feminine mannerisms and dress? I would think that if you are going to be gay you would at least be a man about it.

It’s the same thing with many lesbians. I don’t get you. When I hear you speak, it’s always “men suck, men are beasts, women rule,” yet some of you “ladies” dress and act like men. You wear men’s Dockers, men’s Polos, you’ve got a short, man’s hair cut, you’re looking like Joe Pesci with breasts. You’re an ugly version of us. I’m just thinking out loud here. What’s-the-dillio? Please explain. It seems as if you would embrace femininity in all its glory like Carrot Top does red hair coloring. Where am I going wrong?

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.