Doug Giles

Not every girl wants an education, a righteous vocation, respect from decent people, excellent health, a happy family and the enjoyment of a long and fulfilling life. With the advent of Anna Nicole Smith and her ilk, Girls Gone Wild and Internet Porn, it seems as if today’s ladies would rather be known for no panties, making out with their girlfriends at Coyote Ugly, snot slinging drunkenness and having their college orgies broadcast on YouTube. You go, girl. Show you’re right.

Get it right, you holier-than-thous: not all lassies want a well-thought-of life. So back off. Some girls are chomping at the bit to step into Anna Nicole’s bra and replace her as the next human freak show. And who are we to stop them?

Conservatives, and especially us Christians, should not judge people but rather help people fulfill their dreams—even if they are not our dreams. We must remember the 11th commandment of postmodernism, namely, “thou shalt not judge.” Yes, within the secular would-be world, it is forbidden to forbid. Put that on you’re refrigerator, you buckle-shoed killjoy.

So, instead of offering some legalistic and graceless judgmental blast towards those babes who are following (or wallowing) in Anna Nicole’s path, here instead are eight helpful tips to assist you ladies in Anna Nicole Smithing (ANS) your way through life. Are you ready? You are? Then let’s get busy!

1. You’ve gotta have a “To hell with education” mindset. For all you ANSers out there, let me help you. All you need, as a maximum, is an 8th grade edumication. That’s all. Barely finishing the 8th grade furnishes one with enough 411 to make retarded, irrevocable, life-demolishing decisions. So, just stop, drop and roll right there, girl. Anyway, everyone knows that 9th grade can be real yucky. With all that English blah, blah, blah . . . and the Algebra, crazy letter, math fraction whatever junk . . . and that PE stuff and the World Historizzle crap?!? Puh-leez. You don’t need all that, girlfriend. Hel-lo . . .

2. Wannabe ANSers, you must also blow off common sense and get married when you’re 17 to the first 16-year old fry cook you meet. This little brain fart will get you the heck away from the house and all those people who rain on your dream of being the center of the universe.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.